Satire: Passing on the Papacy

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — Despite posting an Ai generated picture of himself as pope, Donald Trump announced in a Truth Social (aka False Asocial) post that he will not run for pope in the upcoming conclave:

“Although there was an outpouring of support from my American minions and Catholics throughout the world, I have decided to withdraw my candidacy to be pope based on disturbing facts I’ve learned about the position of pope and the Vatican.

Perhaps the greatest drawback of becoming pope is celibacy.  I was planning to divorce Melania when the warranty on her hotness runs out and marry the prettiest young nun I could find.  Then I heard that nuns are married to Christ.  That’s all well and good for Jesus but my libido hasn’t been satisfied since Jeffrey Epstein was murdered in his cell by George Soros.

Reading the fine print on the papal contract, I found out that the Vatican doesn’t permit the usage of the popemobile as a golf cart.  Besides that, the popemobile is not manufactured by Tesla or in the United States.  I’d also be forbidden from renaming St. Peter’s Basilica the Trump Temple.

I don’t want to be protected by the Swiss Guards who wear those gay uniforms that look like someone stitched a bunch of rainbow flags together. There are only 135 of them and that’s not even enough to conquer Greenland.

While I appreciate that the conclave uses only paper ballots, I believe the election is rigged.  It’s unfair that only Cardinals get to vote since I’m a Yankees fan.  Worse yet they hail from 71 countries and many of them aren’t white.  I always wondered why the last conclave elected a radical from South America. Did the cardinals check beforehand if he had any suspicious tattoos?

Until I attended the pope’s funeral, I had forgotten that the Vatican was in Italy.  If it were relocated to Mar-a-Lago, I wouldn’t mind being pope, but moving to Rome undermines my disengagement from Europe and my intent to impose huge tariffs on olive oil, pasta, and pizza.  Though I have the best vocabulary, I didn’t realize that Catholic means universal which undermines my American First policy.  Finally, I hurt my chances of winning by campaigning on the slogan, “DEI is dead.”  My advisers have informed me that Dei means God in Latin.”

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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.