Satire: The Rename Game

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — Donald Trump has issued an executive order to change the name of the Department of Defense to the Department of War.  As he put it, “Defense is too defensive. We want to be defensive, but we want to be offensive too if we have to be.” The change might be belated since the world already knows that Trump and his policies are offensive.  It could, however, hurt his prospects of winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

The whole renaming offensive is an exercise in transparency.  Trump wants Americans to realize what they voted for.  The following name changes of departments will be announced soon.

Consistent with the establishment of the Department of War, the State Department will be abolished.  After all, who needs diplomacy when the threat of war suffices?

HHS will become Hassled Human Services.  The Department plans to make receiving Health and Human Services nearly impossible by cutting funding, limiting who qualifies, and requiring excessive paperwork.

Housing and Urban Development will become Hateful Urban Deployment.  Homelessness will be eliminated by arresting and deporting the aliens, criminals, and liberals who comprise the populations of big cities.  This operation will be performed by ICE, local police, Marines, National Guard, and loyalty-tested Federal employees. Once they complete their mission, the Department of Labor will be superfluous since there will no longer be any unemployment.

The Department of Education will not be renamed because it is slated for abolition and will be replaced by the Department of Indoctrination.

The Department of Energy will be reorganized as the Department of Fossil Fuel. It will be merged with the Environmental Pollution Agency.

The Departments of Treasury and Commerce will become the Department of Tariffs since tariffs are all that’s needed to make the United States prosperous and promote its exports.  The Fed will cease to exist because tariffs will halt inflation forever.

Finally, the Office of the President will be renamed the Office of the Supreme Leader.  The Supreme Court will rule that this is constitutional since it already has indicated that the powers of the President are unlimited.

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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.