By Karen Galatz
RENO, Nevada — People often say I don’t look my age. They mean it as a compliment, and I take it as such, but lately I’ve been wondering. Is it really a compliment, and also, why does it make me so happy to hear it?
Actually I know the reason why I take such pleasure in hearing it. Vain me takes it to mean I look young, well, younger than my actual age, and “Young” is a universal good, right? A goal we almost-oldster gals are supposed to aspire to and advertisers cater to.
But that’s why I’m wondering if it would be a better, more sincere, and also, accurate compliment, if well-meaning people said something like, “You look well today,” or “I like that sweater you’re wearing.”
Best of all, wouldn’t it be nice if someone complimented me (or any of us) by noticing some good deed I had done, however small?
“A woman of valor, who can find?
Her worth is far beyond that of rubies.”
–Eishet Chayil (Women of Valor), King Solomon, Proverbs
That is what our religion teaches us, but from an early age, society teaches us a different lesson.
“Magic mirror, on the wall.
Who’s the fairest in the land?”
–Evil Queen, Snow White
From an early age, I have memories of uncles and aunts showering me with exclamations of “What a shayna maidel,” and “Such a shayna punim.” (As for those infernal cheek pinches that lifted you off your feet and smarted for hours, fuhgeddaboudit. Sorry! I’m mixing my Yiddish with my New Yawkese.)
Anyway, the relatives never seemed to praise me for being a “good” girl, only a pretty one. I remember this distinctly.
Likewise, I remember overhearing my mother having a heated fight with an uncle who refused to send his three daughters to college. He said it wasn’t necessary because all they needed was to be attractive, not educated.
While I was lucky and had parents who valued women’s education and careers, I ironically had a career that placed a premium on a woman’s appearance — TV news. Also, let’s face it (no pun intended), society favors pretty girls. So, I had “shayna punim” pressure plus grade and career pressures combined! I managed.
But today, like I said, I’m pausing and wondering. In particular, I’m focusing on another, less famous passage from Eishet Chayi. It reads:
“False is grace, and vain is beauty;
a G‑d-fearing woman, she should be praised”
Won’t it be nice if more people focused on that passage and could quote it from memory?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not ready to abandon my mascara, lipstick, vanity table, and vanity. But still, I think it would be a big improvement if, after seven decades, I turn down the level — even a notch or two — on my need for compliments.
Yes, as we women age, we all would do well to paste a copy of A Woman of Valor to our mirrors or frame a copy of it beside our cosmetics piled high on the counter. Surely, we can find a space beside the seven shades of lipstick, blush, and anti-aging creams.
And while we’re at it, we should probably get additional copies framed and gift them to our daughters, granddaughters, sons, and grandsons. It’s a message worth remembering … and repeating.
“False is grace, and vain is beauty; a G‑d-fearing woman, she should be praised”
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You can read more of Karen’s work at Muddling through Middle Age or contact her at karen@muddling.me.