Satire: J.E.W.: Jewish Epidemiology Warning

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — Yesterday Robert F. Kennedy exposed the sinister secret of how circumcision and the Tylenol administered to crying male babies reacting to it are responsible for the increase in cases of autism.  This is just the beginning of his war on Jewish customs and rituals that spread disease and trigger epidemics.  Here’s some of his future warnings about this perfidious Jewish plot.

The salt levels in the chicken soup Jewish delis and mothers serve to cure colds and the flu cause hypertension.  The shmaltz in chopped liver and matzo balls raises cholesterol levels.  In other words, Jews will kill white Gentile Americans dietarily with heart attacks and strokes.  The new slogan shouted at neo-Nazi tiki torch marches is: “Kosher delis will replace Waffle Houses.”

Jews contaminated the breadcrumbs they toss into bodies of water in the Tashlikh ceremony with a fungus that afflicts women with yeast infections. This deleterious effect lessens the amount of intercourse European Caucasians have, thereby lowering their birthrate.

Lighting candles every Shabbat, major holiday, and yahrzeits introduces more smoke particulates into the atmosphere than burning coal or combustion engines fueled by gasoline. Ending the kindling of these candles will reduce the rates of lung cancer.

Kosher butchering drains the lifeforce out of meat.  True patriots should only consume meat from bears who are roadkill.

The chickens whose necks are broken during the practice of Kapparot come from the Chinese wet market where Covid originated.  Beware of Jews offering roast chickens in the weeks following Yom Kippur. Kennedy recommends eating duck because he appreciates quacks.

Drinking Manischewitz Concord Wine leads to diabetes.  When Jews invite Gentile friends for seders and Shabbat dinners, they are luring them to a lifetime of insulin injections.

Kennedy claims that there are scientific studies to corroborate his allegations, but it sounds like he might have confused this proof with The Protocols of the Elders of  Zion.

*

Laurie Baron, retired from San Diego State University, is a professor emeritus of history.