By Laurie Baron in San Diego
After the shooting of two National Guard soldiers last week by an Afghan national, Donald Trump halted all decisions on asylum requests by foreigners living in this country. The reasoning is one bad apple has spoiled the 77,000 Afghan nationals admitted to the United States following the victory of the Taliban in their homeland. Screening them collectively for potential violent attacks on Americans safe will guarantee the safety of our homeland. Once Trump rids us of the scourge of alien terrorists, will he apply the same logic to domestic terrorists? If he does, we can anticipate the following actions and rationales from him.
“Tyler Robinson killed Saint Charlie Kirk. Robinson is a Mormon from Utah. We need to end the tax-exempt status for Mormon Churches. Utah is a hotbed of sedition. My Department of Justice has evidence that Robinson was radicalized by Mitt Romney who called me “an unabashed demagogue.” We must confiscate all copies of the Book of Mormon and bomb boats, planes and trucks transporting them across state line. Mormonism was founded by Joseph Smith. Joe Smith is an obvious alias for someone engaged in seditious activities.”
“Luigi Mangione murdered Brian Thompson, the CEO of United Healthcare. This was a terrible crime against a great capitalist insurance company. Mangione favors Bernie Sanders’ dictatorial Medicare for All proposal. If it were ever implemented, other insurance company executives would have to sell some of their mansions and yachts. Mangione is Italian. I’m having DHS check the immigration records of Italians who entered the United States through Ellis Island to identify those with Mafia connections or having trouble paying their medical insurance premiums. Approving of the current Pope’s criticisms of me is also grounds for deportation. A higher tariff on Italian pasta will be levied as a preemptive measure.”
“Ryan Wesley Routh tried to shoot me while I was golfing. He posed a mortal threat to my golf resorts. Routh supported the Ukrainians against the most peaceful leader in the world, aside from me, Vladimir Putin. The CIA has been ordered to prove that Routh really was a hitman hired by Zelensky to undermine peace talks and my selection as next year’s Nobel Peace Prize winner. All Ukrainians who have been granted asylum in the United States during the war will be interned until Zelensky accepts the terms Vlad and I have foisted upon him.”
“Vance Boelter fatally shot Minnesota legislator Melissa Hortman and her husband. Wait a second! I just learned that Boelter is an Evangelical Christian and that Hortman was a Democrat. Knowing that I’ve decided to pardon him.”
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Laurie Baron, retired from San Diego State University, is a professor emeritus of history.
Good job as always