By Laurie Baron in San Diego
At the recent National Prayer breakfast, Donald Trump declared, “I really think I probably should make it [to heaven]. I mean, I’m not a perfect candidate, but I did a hell of a lot of good for perfect people.” That evening he dreamed about his entry into heaven. St. Peter was waiting.
St. Peter: I hope you have photo ID, a birth certificate, and no criminal record. Otherwise, I’m required to deport you to CECOT in El Salvador.
Trump: Whatever happened to hell?
St. Peter: CECOT is worse than hell.
Trump: I’d like to speak to God about replacing the pearl in this gate with gold. It makes God look cheap.
St. Peter: You claimed you helped perfect people. Are you aware no one is perfect except God?
Trump: My followers think I am. I showed divine forgiveness towards the patriots who toured the Capitol on 1/6. Although they merely wanted to hang around with Mike Pence, Biden showed no mercy towards them. They were perfectly obedient in fulfilling my commandments.
St. Peter: Do you heed the Ten Commandments?
Trump: I revere God the father, his son Jesus, and the holy spirit dwelling in me. I rest on the sabbath by golfing. I honored my father by continuing his corrupt and racist footsteps. I only murder drug smugglers and domestic terrorists. As far as adultery goes, don’t believe all the stories from women who accuse me of sexual assault or harassment. I don’t need to steal because I intimidate wealthy people to enrich me. I don’t bear false witness, but everybody who has ever testified against me in trials is a false witness. I don’t covet my neighbor’s money and wife because I’m not sure what the word covet means. Does it come from the root covfefe?
St. Peter: Are you aware that Jesus preached, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.”
Trump: No problem! Qatar will gift me a camel and the steel companies I have protected with tariffs will gladly manufacture a needle with a hole big enough to ride through.
St. Peter: Perusing your record and your comments in this interview, I think you lack any redeeming virtues. Let me check with John McCain, about whether you should be admitted.
McCain indicates his response by pointing his thumbs down.
St: Peter: Instead of CECOT, McCain recommended that I let you live with your friend Jeffrey Epstein in hell where both of you will be castrated to protect the girls and women there.
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Laurie Baron, retired from San Diego State University, is a professor emeritus of history.
GREAT l love it