Satire: Masculinizing the US military

By Laurie Baron in San Diego

Today the Pentagon issued its guidelines for mandatory testosterone testing of men in the armed forces who are 30 or over.  Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth worries that these men need more testosterone to become aggressive warriors who are strong enough to commit war crimes.  He believes that hormone deficiency in older marines, sailors, and soldiers accounts for why Iran was not beaten into total submission in four to five weeks as President Trump initially predicted.

Although the US arsenal of weaponry has been depleted, there are sufficient supplies of testosterone to still snatch victory from defeat.  Hegsheth hopes that higher testosterone levels will result in unfettered toxic masculinity among the current cohort of WOKE wussies who populate the ranks of the military.  If this policy fails, he plans to require marines, sailors, and soldiers to take ketamine which will enable them to hallucinate winning the war in Iran. Moreover, the American public will be compelled to take ketamine too to assure that there’s no cognitive dissonance between civilians and the White House’s impending declaration that the Iranian mission was accomplished.

Persons of color and women will be exempt from the testing. According to Hegsheth and the anatomy books he consulted, women lack the balls to decimate the enemy.  Their low T renders them capable of performing only clerical, housekeeping, and kitchen duties.  As far as non-white officers and recruits go, most have foreign ancestry and thus dual loyalties.  To the extent that they possess high testosterone levels, it is tainted testosterone which makes them prone to becoming criminals, drug addicts, or even worse, Democrats.

After the announcement of the new guidelines was made, Hegsheth was overheard saying, “Erections have consequences.”

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Lawrence Baron is an emeritus professor of history.  He is retired from San Diego State University.