By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump has offered Benjamin Netanyahu moral support as the Israeli prime minister faces charges of corruption. In a letter obtained from knowledgeable sources who asked not to be identified, the president empathizes with the man he addresses as ‘Bibi” and offers some suggestions for fighting the accusations against him.
The letter:
Dear Bibi,
I usually correspond with short tweets, but in view of our long-standing friendship, and the position you find yourself in, I decided to write at some length.
I’m sitting here with Steve Miller of my staff, who not many people realize is a great young man, funny, smart, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners kind of guy, who sort of reminds me of myself at his age. By the way, he’s one of your people (but not a fanatic).
Anyway, we were trying to figure out what to have for lunch, and he mentioned that your opposition “kind of has your falafel in a sling.” And it reminded me I wanted to write to you.
I’m glad to see you’ve already started using one of my pet phrases – “witch hunt” – to describe the investigation aimed at you. Keep saying it over and over again, and people – your base, for sure, and even some others — will start believing it. (Certainly, you will.)
You might also want to use “hoax,” which is very popular with my base, and of course, be sure to refer to the fake media as “enemies of the people.”
I’m told that words have meaning (whatever that means), so choose them carefully. Nicknames that put down enemies, domestic as well as foreign, can be very useful. Against domestic rivals, calling them things like “sleepy,” “little,” “crooked,” “low-energy” was very effective. Of course you’d translate them into your language, and then attack, attack, attack, and, at the same time, deny, deny, deny.
And, maybe at a photo op, hug your country’s flag. People love that.
Distractions can be a very effective weapon against smear campaigns launched against you. You could try a trip to a country nobody ever expected you’d visit, say Iraq or Venezuela or Northern Ireland. If you wanted to hang out in the getting-greater-all-the-time USA, we’d have a terrific deal for you at Mar-a-Lago, golf included.
Another good distraction is declaring an emergency that may or may not actually exist. I hope for your sake that your Knesset, or whatever you call your House of Representatives, isn’t filled with obstructionists the way ours is, who suddenly bring up the Constitution in order to cheat me out of what is within my presidential power to do. My announcement of an emergency on our southern border sure took attention off some of the fake charges against me, and I strongly recommend you do something like what I did.
Another great distraction would be a gigantic parade (something I’ve been trying to set up for months). You have one of your Hebrew holidays coming up soon, so that could be the excuse for the fantastic parade – floats, costumes, bands, soldiers, planes flying overhead, fireworks including rockets — and you leading the procession.
They’ll love it – and you.
So, Bibi, hope you take some of these suggestions to heart. And know that I’m rooting for you to beat the scandal – and so are Steve, who’s like another son to me, and Jared, who, as you know, loves your country almost as much as I do. We’re with you a hundred-and-twenty percent, or more.
But, I’m sure you understand, that if the bad guys manage to prove their case against you, and you should lose your office, I’d have to congratulate the other guys. Nothing personal.
Meanwhile, happy l’chaim,
Your closest, most loyal friend and ally
*
Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously. Cohen much appreciates reader comments about his columns, but regrets he cannot answer them individually.