By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — For an idea of what’s on President Trump’s mind these days, here are excerpts of some of his current tweets and off-the-cuff remarks on issues of Jewish and general interest.
‘I CAN LAND THE PLANE.’ Rod Rosenstein said he could land the plane, and I believe him. Frankly, for a while I had my doubts about Rod. But he’s proven to be one of my most loyal followers. If he says he can land the plane, he can do it. The fake media will say he never took flying lessons. But I have complete confidence in Rod, and I’m going to name him back-up pilot for Air Force One.
MEASLES. An outbreak of measles is threatening our great nation, and some of it is attributed to Orthodox Jewish families who consider vaccinations against their religion. There are fine rabbis on both sides of the issue and, as someone who never does anything rash, I’ve invited some of the influential ones to come to the White House to resolve the problem.
But I’ve always had a thing about germs, so I think I‘ll let Jared handle the meeting. By the way, he’s a wonderful kid, even if \without marrying my daughter).
KENTUCKY DERBY. The Kentucky Derby is one of the great historic events of our wonderful country (even though some lefties object to lyrics in the song about Kentucky). That song gets me every time, though I’m from New York.
I bet on the favorite, of course, but, terrible luck, he was scratched. I was briefly attracted to Maximum Security (reminded me of our southern border) but still bet on the winner, Country House, no hoax that he won. One of my great gifts is that I’m as good at picking horses as I am at picking my Cabinet officers.
One downer: I passed a place where horses’ rear ends were facing out, and there was a sign, “welcome President Rump.” Couldn’t tell whether the “T” had been pulled away, or had accidentally come away from the other letters. I’m having the Attorney General look into it.
NRA – Latest tragic shooting comes at a time when the National Rifle Association is having some reorganization. Good to see Wayne reelected. Sorry about Oliver North, but winner take all, I always say.
With the latest shooting, as with every other one, the Second Amendment – my favorite amendment – immediately goes under attack. People forget that the bad guys will always get guns. But, not to worry: I’m making sure the bleeding hearts never take guns away from our well-regulated militia, which now has millions and millions of wonderful patriots enrolled.
CHARGING IMMIGRANTS – With me, one great idea leads to an even greater one.
I recently came up with a plan to charge anyone seeking asylum in our incredible United States. Then it struck me: charge all immigrants already here. Could be on a sliding scale – the longer they’re here, the less they pay. Would solve a lot of our money concerns, and certainly pay for the wall.
THE WITCH HUNT REPORT — So the big boondoggle witch hunt is over, and once more no collusion, no obstruction.
Also learned who my true friends are. I think I’ve found my Roy Cohn in our wonderful, very strong patriot, Attorney General Barr, who won’t cave to the dim Dems.
Another discovery: As chairman of the Senate committee hearing Barr’s testimony and in other settings, Lindsey Graham’s been saying nice things about me, and supporting me in everything. He quoted what some of the evil opposition has said, but somehow forgot that videos show some of the terrible things he said about me during the 2016 campaign. It’ll be fun to remind him.
Can’t understand why politicians have such short memories, especially when it comes to doing a complete about-face from what they said on camera before.
BUNDLE OF LIES – The weak excuse for a newspaper, people’s enemy Washington Post, says I broke all records with more than 10,000 lies since I became president.
I’m outstanding in so many areas. But in this, of course, they’re lying. Maybe I exaggerated a few times to make a point, but nowhere near what they claim. And I’ll never forget what my favorite U.S. officer, Col. Nathan Jessup/ Jack Nicholson, told the young brat questioning him: “You can’t handle the truth.”
INVOKING THE DIVINE: Very important: Thinking about G-d got me through the Mueller witch hunt. And more people are using the word G-d since my election.
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Certainly no argument there.
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Readers unfamiliar with the work of humorist Joel Cohen are assured his “Just Kidding” column is satire and should not be taken seriously.