By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — It’s not widely known, but President Trump – very briefly yet seriously– considered converting to Judaism.
It occurred recently when he felt the world was crashing in on him: people he’d considered extremely loyal were deserting him, even testifying against him; his constant denials of collusion and illegal conspiracy with foreign adversaries were being turned upside down; impeachment seemed to be a real threat; the market was tanking; people were blaming national tragedies on him — and, worst of all, Vladimir Putin wasn’t returning his phone calls.
In need of comforting, the president turned to his daughter, Ivanka, a convert to Judaism, who suggested his conversion to that religion as a potential path to inner peace.
She emphasized that conversion wasn’t easily obtained and that he would first have to prove his sincerity in seeking conversion.
“I’m the most sincere person you’ll ever meet,” Trump said.
A prime hurdle, Ivanka explained, was to be convincing about his reason for wanting to convert, that it was “a valid one, nothing frivolous, no hidden agenda.” And he’d be expected to answer numerous questions about Jewish law and customs.
“’I’m a graduate of the Wharton School,” the president replied. “I can answer any question.”
Ivanka said that a conversion candidate is expected to demonstrate a willingness to live as a Jew, and to accept and observe the Jewish commandments.The process, Ivanka continued, usually involves repeated attempts to discourage the candidate from pursuing conversion because of such factors as the existence of anti-Jewish bias.
“Bring it on,” Trump said. “And they should have to tell me what Judaism offers me, not the other way around.”
“Absolutely,”Ivanka agreed, before describing other steps, including reading widely about Judaism ( “I have to look after the U.S.A., so I don’t have the time. You’ll have to read for me.”) And the convening of a Beth Din, a religious court consisting of at least one rabbi and two other learned, observant men, to supervise the conversion process.
Ivanka said she and her husband Jared, who was born Jewish, then discussed with her father some of Judaism’s basic principles, beginning with some of the Ten Commandments.
Trump was okay with the prohibition against killing, but “not stealing?” He’d have to know how broadly that principle was interpreted before he agreed.
As to honoring one’s father and mother, Trump said, “My father had very strict policies, especially when it came to renting apartments, and I was always only too happy to enforce them.”
Once the word “covet” was explained to Trump, he scoffed at the prohibition against wanting something that belonged to someone else.
“Their property? Their wealth? Their wives” he asked. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
Turning to other principles, Ivanka and Jared cited the admonition in the Haggadah to “welcome the stranger…because you were strangers in Egypt.”
The president’s reaction: “Is that all the Jews talk about? When there are emergencies at places like our southern border? We should welcome the killers and the drug-dealers? You can’t be serious.”
Because of the president’s business background, of which he was so proud, Jared mentioned the principle of paying laborers in a timely fashion, to which Trump replied, “And I suppose they expect that you pay them full price? Dream on.”
Jared then whispered, haltingly, “Dad, Sir, Mr. President, there’s something about conversion Ivanka didn’t mention…Circumcision.”
”You mean…?
“Yes,” Jared replied, explaining the options, full circumcision if the candidate has not already had one, a token rite if he has.
“The president,” Trump declared, “is a precious national treasure, like the Lincoln Memorial. It’s a federal crime to deface any part. So what you just mentioned is a deal-breaker.”
And a loss for us all.
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that it is strictly satire, and nothing herein should be taken seriously.