By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
If you want to believe that our Torah is obsolete and without consequence in our modern society, and if you choose to believe that those who live a more Torah–observant life than you do are thoughtlessly following nonsensical and senseless foolish “religious rules,” then this week’s Torah portion may put a smile on your face.
The Pure Red Heifer, the Parah Adumah T’mimah which we read about in this week’s parasha, opens the door to learning about a purification process that defies rational understanding. Burn a perfectly good cow without blemish and its ashes can make those who burn it imperfect, impure, while making the impure, the imperfect, pure and perfect.
What a paradox. The ashes of the perfect Parah Adumah are impure, so what is going on here? As for so many of us who likely heard growing up from our parents, “Don’t worry about why. Just do it because I said so,” we simply follow this statute because Hashem commanded us, even if we cannot follow the mystifying logic behind it. Perhaps this is what naaseh v’nishma means, doing a mitzvah that has no apparent logic behind it will bring meaning when done often enough.
In Sichos Mussar, Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz quotes the question of the Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh. “Why does it state, ‘This is the decree of the Torah?’ It should have said, ‘This is the decree of impurity,’ since the purpose of the parah is to purify those who became impure.” You see, when we fulfill a mitzvah for which we know the reason, it isn’t clear that we are doing it because Hashem told us to do so. We could be doing it because WE simply choose to do so. But the mitzvah of parah adumah teaches us that if you fulfill a mitzvah that you do not understand, it’s as if you fulfilled the whole Torah. When you complete a mitzvah that you don’t understand, you are showing your unconditional emunah in Hashem. He may be hidden from us in some ways, and we can ask many questions about why we do one mitzvah or another when we don’t rationally understand why we are asked to do so, but when we act from emunah we strengthen ourselves. When we say, “It’s from Hashem,” we reach greater heights.
The question once came up about why we fast on Yom Kippur. Of course, it states in the Torah the reason is to afflict yourself, which the Gemara teaches means to fast. The person asking why we fast was still dissatisfied with the answer, so finally the other person answered, “Because Hashem said so.” Jackpot! That was the answer he was looking for — to remind them that it’s Hashem who wants us to fast. This is a key lesson in this week’s parasha – the role that Hashem plays in our lives.
In fact, the ashes of the Red Heifer and the waters of the sin-offering are simply a Divine commandment. It’s this, not the actual intrinsic purification properties of the ashes and water that are key. Commandments refine us, not ashes. The closer we are to Hashem, the more we can understand the concepts of purity and impurity. He gives us a process through which we can purify ourselves from the impurity of death.
Another lesson is a bit more psychological, one that relates to the irrational and self-defeating idea of the impossibility of perfectionism. Slaughter a perfectly unblemished cow? Maybe Hashem is telling us that perfectionism is not what He seeks in us and that we’d be wise not to demand perfectionism from ourselves, others and life in general. Perfect life? Perfect family? Perfect job? Perfect health? Even a perfect Jew? Huh? No, we are not perfect, nor does such a concept truly have a singular definition. Living with good intentions and proper behavior brings us closer to Hashem, the only perfect One. Leonard Cohen, the famed Jewish songwriter, wrote, “Forget your perfect offering. There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” Yes, aspire to emulate the character of Hashem, but beware of demanding perfection from yourself and others, since all of life brings with it inevitable cracks. Doing so surely requires emunah (faith in Hashem) and bitachon (awareness of Hashem’s control of everything).
There is no one definition of this concept of “perfect.” There is, thankfully, growing understanding that unconditional acceptance, diversity, and tolerance for all is what’s necessary. Rashi comments on the notion of “perfect” and tells us, “‘Perfect’ is an allusion to the Israelites who were perfect but through the Golden Calf became morally maimed: let his perfect animal, the Parah Adumah, come and atone for them so that they may regain their state of ‘perfection.’” Recall Hashem said to Abraham after he was circumcised, “Walk along before me and be tamim.” Pure and perfect after he was permanently blemished? Again, the concept of perfect only entered after he was rendered imperfect. And walk “before” Hashem? See the lesson of His humility we can learn from this? The imperfect outside, Abraham’s blemish, reflected Abraham’s “clean hands and pure heart.” That’s what matters. Perhaps the ultimate state of authentic perfection is humility.
Read this week’s Torah portion carefully. This is a time when we need to welcome people into our diverse tent. Just as the Parah Adumah determined who was pure and could enter the Temple, it also brought with it another message of sensitivity – drop your arrogance, nobody is perfect, we all have a few different color hairs, and when we are imperfect, that’s when we begin to come closer to walking with Hashem. Indeed, doing so will lead to doing more mitzvos “ben adam l’chaveiro”’ as we see our true value, imperfect as we are, which in many ways are actually “ben adam l’Makom.” Hashem, we learn, breathed his Godliness into us and from this we learn that we are intrinsically valuable, perfected not by how we look or what we have but by possessing as much of His goodness as we can. Perhaps that is what ideal self-acceptance is about, esteeming the self that Hashem gifted uniquely to each of us.
Let’s choose to work to steadily improve ourselves, our devotion and our commitment to Hashem, not to gain impossible “perfection.” When we turn our desires, our preferences, into demands, when we insist that things be one certain way, we create an unhealthy perfectionistic thinking style that leads to anxiety, hyper-competitiveness, and stress.
In my work, I teach clients that while people may at times do many wonderful things, they are nevertheless fallible, imperfect beings. Demanding to perform perfectly often creates performance anxiety, and this belief, “I must be perfect,” rarely helps people perform at their best. It also leads to feelings of shame, anxiety and depression. The psychological antidote to perfectionism is largely realistic, flexible, non-dogmatic thinking and self-acceptance.
Rabbi Tarfon said, “It is not your responsibility to finish the work, but you are not free to desist from it.” Adding to the notion that speak to our moderating our expectations, Rabbi Abahu said in the name of Rabbi Elazar, “If you try to grab too much, you grab nothing, but if your try to grab a little, you may keep it.” Steady improvement, not perfection, will allow us to live a life of blessing and properly impact others.
This is particularly relevant to those who are working to continually build a relationship with Hashem. It is there for us to take hold of, to grab, one imperfectly human step at a time. What a remarkable opportunity to connect with the ultimate source of worth.
Shabbat Shalom
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com