Satire: Our Enemy Canada

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — Before launching a trade war with Canada, Donald Trump drafted a speech justifying it.  After my spies in the Oval Office were fired by DOGE, they leaked his statement to me:

Canada sided with England during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812.  Since I aspire to be a king, I admire Canada for preferring King George III over George Washington.  Did I mention that I like playing checkers just to be able to say, “king me?”  On the other hand, I don’t like chess because at least one of the kings gets toppled in the end.  The point is that Canada was always hostile to the United States.  Their soldiers helped the British burn the Capitol and the White House in 1814. My precedent for going to war with Canada is the American invasion of Canada during the war of 1812.  We were rebuffed, and it’s time to avenge that loss.  I must admit, however, that I have mixed feelings about the torching of the Capitol since I’d like to do that too.  I might even consider issuing a posthumous pardon to the soldiers who lit that fire.

Canada also interfered with American affairs by accepting runaway slaves who escaped there.  Canada remained neutral during the Civil War instead of supporting the South as I would have done.  After all, the Confederacy was merely fighting against Lincoln’s DEI policies. Canada gained its independence from England shortly after the Civil War.  Why didn’t it ask the United States to replace England as its colonial master?

Of course, there’s the unfair Treaty of 1908 with Canada signed by Teddy Roosevelt who inexplicably who broke up monopolies built by patriotic American companies.  It left the northern coasts of the Great Lakes in Canadian hands.  How could Teddy not foresee that over a century later I would use the word “Great” in my campaign slogan?  My next campaign slogan will be “Take America’s Great Lakes Again.”

The Canadians remind me that Canada was an American ally in the World Wars, the Iraq War, and NATO, but that illustrates how they have dragged the United States into foreign wars.

I’ll never forgive how Canada fooled the United States into signing the unfair NAFTA and USMCA trade agreements.  I negotiated the latter and only subsequently realized that Canada and Mexico used it to tarnish my reputation as a great deal maker.

Finally, there are two other things that irritate me about Canada.  Everybody knows English is the best language, but Canada has disgraced English by putting it on equal footing with French.  I also can’t understand why Canadians are so polite.  There is nothing that I hate more than being polite!  For all these reasons I believe Canada is “a country that should be a state.”

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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.