Satire: A Gospel for Today

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — When Jesus celebrated a seder with his Jewish apostles, he did not know that one of them, Stephen Mola had tipped the Romans off that Joseph and Mary had illegally entered the Holy Land from Aegyptus.  To make matters worse, Jesus had assaulted merchants and money changers and destroyed property in the Temple.

To identify Jesus to the Immigration Centurion Expellers, Stephen approached Jesus and acted as if he were about to kiss him since if he actually kissed him, he would risk being discriminated against as gay.  ICE apprehended Jesus and spirited him away on a donkey headed to a notorious Roman carcer in Aegyptus.  Since Jesus was associated with Simon, a Zealot intent on overthrowing the Romans, he was put in solitary confinement with no chance to contact his Apostles or defend himself.

Noting that Jesus had consorted with a Zealot gang member, Dontius Trumplate ordered him to be crucified despite Jesus’ commitment to non-violence and lack of evidence that he was involved in Zealot plots to revolt against the Romans.  Dontius distracted the supporters of Jesus by announcing high tariffs on imported sandals and togas from the Parthian Empire and banning trans-women from competing as gladiatrixes.

While suffering on the cross, Jesus asked, “The Law, the Law, why has it forsaken me?”  He also cried out, “Father don’t forgive them; they know exactly what they do and must be stopped.” He perished in agony.  When the tribunal supremum commanded Dontius to facilitate the return of Jesus’ body to the Holy Land, Dontius deferred to the dictatorial Roman prefect of Aegyptus.

Three days after his death, the prison cave split in two enabling Jesus to rise and leave. He miraculously evaded the border guards who had been alerted about his escape.  He appeared to his Apostles and said, “Peace be with you.”  He exhorted them to show their faith in him and the Law of Moses, the Prophets, and Psalms by protesting the contempt Dontius exhibited towards them.

And he saith: “Go ye into all the world and preach mercy and respect for all of God’s creation. He that treats others kindly shall be saved, and he that mistreats them must be condemned. And even those who speak in other tongues deserve fair trials before they are cast out like demons.” Then Jesus ascended to heaven and sat down at the right hand of God and the left hands of the authors of the Constitution.

And the Apostles went forth and preached, “The foreigner residing in your midst must be subject to the same due process as the native-born. Love them as yourself, for the Jews were foreigners in Egypt and the Christians foreigners in the early Roman Empire.”

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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.