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Satire: Trump Speak

July 1, 2025

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — The only way to evaluate whether anything Donald Trump says is valid is to translate his words and evaluate his claims.  Here’s a guide to help you.

On the Civil War, Trump said, “You see the Declaration of Independence, and I say the Civil War always seemed to me maybe that could have been solved without losing 600,000 plus people.” As he understands American history, if the Declaration of Independence hadn’t put the crazy idea that “all men are created equal” into the heads of Americans, there would never have been a Civil War over slavery. MAGA stands for “Make Antietam Go Away.”

On ending the war between Ukraine and Russia, “It’s a very easy negotiation to take place. I will have it solved within one day, a peace between them.” He really meant, “I will command Russia and Ukraine to end the war immediately.  If they don’t obey my order, I’ll lose interest.”

The ceasefire between Israel and Iran is “unlimited” and “going to go forever,” means the truce between Israel and Iran probably will be violated as soon as Israel believes Iran is enriching uranium again or when Iran rebuilds its air defenses and obtains more missiles.

“Obliterate” means temporarily damaged.

“If our troops didn’t go into Los Angeles, it would be burning to the ground right now” means the troops have deterred an arson attack in the block around the Wilshire Federal Building.

On whom ICE is interning, “We’re doing the worst of the worst, always the first.” Basing its statistics on ICE data, the libertarian CATO Institute reports that 65% of those detained by ICE have no criminal records and 93% were not guilty of violent crimes. Trump really meant, “7% of the people we’re arresting are the worst.  I don’t care about the others.”

On the Big Beautiful Bill (the No Billionaire Left Behind Act): “Your Medicaid is left alone.”  According to the Congressional Budget Office, 12 million low-income Americans will lose their health insurance by 2034.  Trump really meant, “Except for 12 million poor people, Medicaid will be left alone.”

Trump called his military parade, “A Salute to America.”  He really meant “a birthday party to make Putin envious.”

*

Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.

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