By Barrett Holman Leak in San Diego
He came rushing in, a foot taller than me, much heavier and wider than me, angrily screaming that I was a f*** b****** and that we (Jews) are all f*** b***s and murderers That we had murdered his grandfather, his grandparents. I had just unlocked the House of Israel in Balboa Park last Saturday to prepare for my volunteer staffing shift. I had not expected a rage-filled Palestinian man to burst in, screaming at me. I was cornered behind the counter with him making antisemitic comments and I was furiously typing messages to the volunteer group on social media. He screamed that it was not Israel’s birthday but rather the anniversary of what Arabs call “The Nakba” and he said I should die. This is America.
I had to quickly make a threat assessment, and I could hear my Aunt Zelda: hit him with the long grill we use to warm bourekas; and my mother Adelle’s: then use your knee and run like hell. He backed up some, videotaping me, and hurling antisemitic comments. I quickly ran past him and outside desperately searching for Park Rangers, security and police. Somebody. Anybody. Security came up and engaged him and he kept videotaping. Taunting me, wanting me to escalate things by responding, he then began asking me if I knew that Jews hate Black people and don’t care that we are losing jobs and voting rights. He told me Israelis abuse Black people in Israel. Then because I didn’t convert to his viewpoint, he switched smoothly to calling me racist names because I am Black. Then he began denigrating my physical appearance and made a comment about the LGBTQ+ shirt, written in Hebrew, that I was wearing. Finally, he asked where the House of Palestine was located and ran off. In that seemingly forever moment, the ugliness of present-day America was standing right in front of me.
It is a terrifying thing to look evil in the eye. But I am courageous, not fearless, but courageous. I did not tell him my knowledge of the racist way Palestinians treat Afro-Palestinians in the Al-Abeed section of Gaza (Abeed =slave), nor my knowledge of the Arab Slave Trade which has for centuries involve kidnapping and raping African women. It is why there are African-Arabs known as Afro-Palestinians. I didn’t tell him I have been called monkey twice in my life, while being mugged by Palestinians trying to steal my purse on a Copenhagen bus for pure greed (not poverty). I did not tell him that I know Palestinians murder people for being homosexual in Gaza.
But this is America right now. I made it through the day, and we had lots of volunteers and visitors to House of Israel. Nothing was said about what happened. The next day, my rabbi said it is just how things are when I told her. It was true. Then on Wednesday, I was with a Jews of Color group I meet with every week, and the trauma of Saturday came pouring out. I realized the emotional download was not only about Saturday but about the continual onslaught of racism and antisemitism that I have been carrying for quite some time. I realized, even more consciously than I have for a long time, that with the racism, sexism and antisemitism I face being a Jewish Woman of Color, I am under assault and it is damaging. It is damage that I need to mitigate now or I will not survive much less thrive, I quickly assembled a support team, and we have put a plan in place to intensely support me.
One of the primary things I realize I need to do is consistently BREATHE. I was holding my breath most of the time between Saturday and Wednesday. The next thing I realized I need to do is regularly DRINK, EAT and DEBRIEF (check in with someone). I was not doing that over those four days. I actually did not have one glass of water; I consumed very little food; and I was too busy to check in with friends about life. So that is now changed. The other things I am tending to are SLEEP and doing more writing, painting and music playing. I have been spending a lot of time in study and the routine tasks of taking care of my household, but those activities have been not so much about me. I am doubling down on the time I spend in positive, supportive groups and spaces. And I am living the Torah I receive.
That is something a Jew must do every single day. We receive the Torah by how we live, how we carry ourselves, and how we respond to the world around us. The Sfat Emet teaches that even when our physical surroundings are restrictive, threatening, or painful, our inner space—our spiritual dignity—remains entirely ours. No one can take away your capacity to receive holiness. Even in today’s America which has become increasingly, horrifically racist and antisemitic, sexist, less diverse, less equitable, and quite exclusionary.
Remembering to stand in that spiritual space can be very difficult when the world knocks on our door with hatred. The House of Israel cottage – is a place of hospitality, history, and education – and should have been a place of peace, but instead it became the site of a traumatic, violent, hateful experience.
But here is what that man did not understand, and what the Torah reminds us of this Shavuot: He could threaten my physical space, but he could not touch my soul nor did he have a right to take my life. He thought he was threatening just me, but I was not alone – all my ancestors who survived enslavement and pogroms were standing there with me. Aunt Zelda said hit him with the bourekas warmer and my mother Adelle said use my knee and then my feet and run fast to get out of there if needed. He could shout slurs, but he could not diminish the dignity given to me by the Creator. When we are targeted with racism and antisemitism, the goal of the perpetrator is to make us feel small, to make us hide, and to make us regret who we are and to make us feel that we do not count in this world. But we do. Many of my relatives in the American South now have no democratic voice, no actual vote but we are still here and we will fight. Because we count.
I asked an Ashkenazi Jewish friend the other day how she would feel if laws had been passed through the Supreme Court and in our state which had the impact of nullifying her vote because she is Jewish. What if every place where Jews live in high numbers was carved up and put into a rural district where the representation is virulently Jew-hating Christians. She admitted she would see it as antisemitism.
So right now, this is America. Rage-filled Palestinians attacking Black Jews in a park for being Black and Jewish. And throwing in some homophobia for good measure. People espousing white supremacist, fascist, antisemitic, and Islamophobic views shoot up a mosque and try to kill children. White supremacists with power give other white supremacists reparations money for criminal behavior and for having to live in a country where Black people are not their chattel slaves.
This is America – and we are not alright.
We Jews just finished counting our days and in Exodus we get a census, a counting of everyone. In that count our ancestors at Sinai did not stand at the foot of a mountain to become small. We stood there to become a “kingdom of priests and a holy nation.”
We are surrounded right now by the Torah portions of the census, where every single soul is counted. Parsha Bamidbar last week showed how we were counted and next week in Parsha Nasso we get counted again. Rashi explains that God counted us so much because we are dear to him. Sometimes, the world tries to make us feel invisible. It treats us like we don’t count. But the Torah reminds us that every single individual is counted by the Creator. We aren’t just an anonymous crowd; each one of us is counted, loved, and absolutely necessary to the whole. So, take good care of yourself.
We are not where we will be, but we are here.
*
Barrett Holman Leak is a freelance writer based in San Diego.