By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — Humans abuse drugs, drink and drive, smoke in spite of potential lung cancer, and eat unhealthy foods—all of which are destructive behaviors. In the brain, sexual excitement is akin to the urges that fuel these addictive behaviors. The neurons in the frontal lobe, which is the main regulator and inhibitor of behavior, start firing less as the neurons that promote the potential irresponsible behaviors become more active.
This may explain why some men jeopardize their careers for reckless and detrimental acts of sexual predation; they are not concerned about the consequences of their actions. This does not excuse reprehensible behaviors. The majority of men are able to control their lust and not act on their primal desires. While we are programmed by our primitive urges, we are also taught to control them; this is called “being civilized.”
Are there male and female behaviors we can identify to help men and women know when their advances may be welcomed or repulsed? In order to clarify, I will try to identify the signals most prone to misinterpretation. However, we must be careful not to pigeon-hole people. Behaviors are fluid; they are on a continuum—one can go through several in an hour. Describing the intent of a behavior and the perception of that intent may help to clarify confusion.
1. Appropriate behavior: This is the safest model for both the company and the employee. She is professional in all her encounters, sticks strictly to the business at hand. She wants respect and equal treatment. He treats women as equals, listens to them, promotes them the same as men, and sees to it that their pay is equal to that of men in the same position.
2. Confusing behavior: This person is overly friendly and likes to banter with the opposite sex, which can be misinterpreted as interest in something more. Flirting is an instinctual behavior meant to break down social and emotional barriers in order to be liked and accepted. Women generally like to please and seek approval. Men easily misperceive this outgoingness as availability. This is the behavior that is most confusing to men when there is disparity between her intent and his perception. When the first attempt to be more familiar with a touch, a joke, or a comment is not followed up on, that should be a signal to go no further. Some men believe that women are just playing hard to get, but this is where “no” means “stop in your tracks.”
Men also flirt, hug, give compliments—implying only friendship. A peck on the cheek may be welcome by some, but not by others. Intentions are not always clear. These behaviors can be confusing to women who are not sure if the arm around their shoulder is a friendly gesture or a test to see if it can go further. When in doubt, people should abstain. Commenting on a woman’s appearance is not okay in the workplace, nor is sexual banter.
3. Inappropriate behavior: Both men and women may pursue an affair whether with a colleague, subordinate, or boss. They may be lonely and seeking love or companionship; they might just enjoy a fling. For some women it might be a strategy to advance their careers and it is most likely with a man who holds a power position. This behavior is explicitly seductive, encouraging sexual innuendos and inappropriate touching. Mixing sex and work is problematic; even consensual sex often leads to tensions in the workplace. Workers can complain about the special prerogatives obtained through personal relationships; there can be jealousies. If there is a breakup, it will affect performance.
4. Abusive behavior: These are usually men in power positions who either do not pick up on cues or don’t care that their harassment of women is destructive. Their victims are usually defenseless because they have no one to complain to, need the job, or won’t be believed if they report the harassment. There are also men and women who see themselves as so irresistible that they can’t believe someone wouldn’t be thrilled to have a sexual encounter with them.
Overly friendly and playful, flirtatious behavior causes the most confusion. Is she making promises she does not plan to keep? Is he going too far and making her feel uncomfortable? Picking up the correct cues and not responding inappropriately is the key. The first step is to be aware of possible misinterpreted signals of one’s behavior. The next step is being aware of the response to such behavior. The final step is knowing when to stop the unwelcomed behavior.
Even though I have placed both men and women in behavioral categories in the hope of identifying when confusion between intent and perception is most likely to occur, it should not minimize the fact that it is overwhelmingly male predatory behavior which victimizes women.
© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com
Excellent evaluation of this problem. Authentic thanks for sharing your insights.