TAMPA, Florida — Here’s an astrological chart for my fellow sports fans.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Tampa residents, you’re living in the only major-league market to have never hosted an All-Star Game. If the Rays don’t get a new ballpark, Montreal will host another one before Tampa Bay does.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If you’re a Bucs fan, turn off the television, get rid of your phone, disconnect the doorbell, climb into bed and wait for Christmas … or Easter.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Yom Kippur is coming. San Diegans, perhaps you should repent for all those times you didn’t buy tickets to the Chargers games. You’re why they went to Los Angeles.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Last year you dressed up your kid as FSU football player for Halloween and the other kids stole his candy. Try dressing him to look more lovable this time, like a politician.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Remember your old Uncle Harry, who smelled bad, got drunk and ruined Thanksgiving, yelling at the TV during NFL games? Guess what? You’re old. It’s your turn.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your team didn’t get into the college football playoffs? You’re lucky it didn’t get the NCAA death penalty with all the recruiting violations your coach committed.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You love speed and danger, but entering the Daytona 500 in your Kia Rio might not be such a good idea unless you also have a death wish.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The NBA and NHL seasons are starting to drag and spring training’s barely begun. Time to catch up on things you’ve ignored, like movies and books – not to mention your spouse.
AIRES (March 21-April 19): Last year you bet the farm on the Gators in the NCAA basketball tournament. This year you can’t bet the farm ’cause your spouse got it in the divorce.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You dream about being like Tiger Woods, but cheating on your spouse and crashing your car isn’t the best way to go about it.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The Lord gave the Torah to the Israelites, but he couldn’t give the Padres a decent roster? How much longer must San Diegans suffer without a World Series championship?
CANCER: June 21-July 22): It’s so appropriate you were born under this sign. Remember how superstitious you were, lighting up one cigarette after another while your team had a long rally going? Look what it got you.
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Lowitt, a longtime professional sports writer, also writes humorous pieces, this satirical column being an example.