Host chapters offer Israeli veterans peace of mind

By Nitay Gold

SAN DIEGO — In Israel, the military is so deeply ingrained in the culture that we sometimes forget what the army means.  Most Israeli kids go into the army at about the same age as kids go to college in the States. We want to succeed, but we don’t always know what we are fighting for, and why we are doing it.  This is the culture of Israel. We grow up and we know we will end up in the army, no matter what. We don’t choose it, but we give it our best and try to get into the best unit we possibly can, much like American kids compete to get into good colleges.

At the age of 25-30, IDF veterans that spent so much time in training and in war, start to realize what the army really meant for them, for the country and for the world. When this moment came for me, I realized how deeply the memories of the army affected my life, and how I was still carrying the imprints from my army experiences.

This doesn’t mean I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.  If that was the case, all of Israel would have PTSD.  It means we carry memories for good and bad, and as a team and as an individual, we don’t always know how to manage and control these memories and feelings.

My unit, however, was lucky enough to join the Peace of Mind program to sort these issues out. Although we met the requirement of being in more than 100 combat operations, the wait list was long, and it took it many months to finally start the program. We attended the POM program in 2018 in Toronto, Canada.

Our team has always been very united. We meet every other month; we help each other in business and pleasure. We know each other so well, but despite all this, we’ve never had the opportunity to speak about our shared past, our memories, and our imprints. We speak a lot about the army, but only the good memories.

Before the two-day POM preparation program in Israel, we all had similar concerns: how would this help us, why open all these issues up again, and how we will walk out of this program afterwards? When we finished the preparation, we were clear about the expectation and the experience we are going to go through.  It was exciting and frightening at the same time.

When we arrived in Toronto, Canada, we were shocked! We couldn’t have expected the amount of love we received from our host families and the community. They called us SOLDIERS!  The last time anyone called us soldiers was thirteen years ago. And they hugged us harder than our parents hugged us when they sent us off on the army bus at the age of eighteen.

That was a wonderful start to the program. That was the moment we understood that the IDF army is not trivial in other places of the world, and there are other eighteen-year-olds who do things besides going to the army.  This was also a moment when we could disconnect from the Israeli culture where everyone goes into the army, and become part of a culture that appreciated us for serving in the army and protecting Israel.

The first day was dedicated to setting up the week, setting expectations, and bringing everyone up to speed on psychological terminology. It was very helpful to get everyone on the same page.  From here on in, everything is about connecting the dots, feeling good about ourselves, and building a new beginning.

The rest of the week was dedicated to each of us sharing our life stories in nineteen-minute blocks.   Before POM, our team knew each other for more than thirteen years. We had lived together for three years: day and night. After our service, we got together at least once a month. We even know the smell of each other!  Still, there were many stories we had never heard. During this week, we heard those stories, and now we could finally close the circle and start a fresh beginning.

Some of the stories were about our different perspectives on events from our service. These evolved into deep discussions about our feelings and processes during the operation that finally helped each of us close the loop. That was a great feeling of relief, being able to finally connect all the dots.

I remember that we were surprised to learn that most of us carried similar memories with us, and a lot of similar imprints affecting our lives. These were things we had never before shared with each other, but after the POM week we understood that we are not the only ones dealing with these issues.  This made us feel even more connected.

I remember going back to my host family at the end of the intense first day, and wanting to wake up in the morning to run back to the circle and kick off the second day.

As we moved along, and we got to know our host families better, we realized that the families and the community are the main treatment. Going to a place we didn’t know before, and the common thread connecting us is our love of Israel and seeing that outside of Israel that are different ways of living, helped us to open up to our feelings.

The connection with the community, and especially with the families, will be forever. The love we got from the community and the families was a significant part of this journey.  It is so special that it cannot be ignored.  We ended up the last day with a Shabbat dinner with the community and talking about the week’s events.

When we returned to Israel, we were offered additional sessions with a therapist for free.  Before POM, a couple of guys were talking to professionals. After POM, 90% of the team is continuing to meet with the POM psychologists.

POM for me was about connecting the dots, feeling good about ourselves and building a new beginning. I thought I knew everything about my friends, and realized I didn’t. I thought I knew everything about our service, and realized I didn’t. I thought I knew everything about psychology, and realized I didn’t. After POM we are so much stronger as a team and as individuals. We know much more about our past, about our friends, and about our future.

A few weeks ago, a boy from our host family in Toronto arrived with our host “mom” for a gap year “Mechina” in Israel. We had the opportunity to be the hosting family for our Canadian host family! For me, that was a special moment of connection in a loop that doesn’t end.

For more information about POM San Diego, visit our website https://pomsandiego.org

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Gold, general manager of the NRGene Ltd division in San Diego, has lived in San Diego County for approximately one year. POM San Diego plans to host 20 former members of the IDF in December for a week-long gathering.