NEW YORK — President Trump is such a giving guy that, despite all the demands on his time and attention, he still manages to respond to the will of his constituents.
A case in point: the request of a billionaire contributor that the president share with synagogue chief executives his strategy for winning re-election. The unidentified Jewish patron — who has given considerable money to Trump campaign committees and a lot of business to Trump interests — hoped the president would give his advice in person, But he was satisfied with written recommendations. (“I would have done the same for a millionaire,” Trump commented.)
[According to unconfirmed reports, not only the president’s Jewish daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared, but also Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller and William Barr contributed insights to what Trump labeled “‘can’t-miss’ advice, from my incredible campaign.”]
“First, be very sure you want to be president, even though it costs you considerable money and time attending boring meetings and dealing with people who are never satisfied,” President Trump began. “I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but being president has cost me millions of dollars. But that’s okay.”
Trump urged anyone who sincerely seeks office to “do whatever’s necessary.” He cited one hard-fought contest, in which one side was calling everyone connected with the synagogue to come to the election meeting, while opponents who got wind of the calls cut the telephone wires.”Do what you need to, to win (but no quid pro quo). Synagogue elections are not for sissies.”
Regarding attendance at services, Trump wrote: “As president, you’ll hear many congregants say that you should regularly attend them. Don’t do it. If you attend rarely, each time you show up will be treated as a big deal.”
But, he added, “to keep up with what’s happening, such as members plotting against you, make sure the people on your board of directors or trustees, or whatever Jews call them, are extremely loyal to you. Anyone who isn’t should be politely asked to resign. If he or she needs a reason, say it’s to spend more time with their family.”
At services, he continued, “honors and preferential seating should go to generous contributors. Who can argue with that? To anyone who complains about being left out, simply communicate the idea that the problems is easily remedied with better contributions.
“Many people say the main reason for attending services is a religious one. Probably true for a few. But let’s be serious; a big draw is the chance for good conversation. Some years ago, as a joke, a questionnaire was distributed, asking people to designate what conversational area they preferred to sit in at High Holiday services—gossip, sports, stock market, politics, and so on. The idea should be treated seriously. Let people sit with like-minded congregants, and you’ll have a happy congregation.”
Similarly, “I understand that you people hire and fire your rabbis. So you can tell them what to do and say. Sure, sermons are supposed to be connected to religious teachings, etc. But, how many people are really interested? So encourage (order?) your rabbi to talk about other subjects — sports, stock market, jokes….to keep congregants awake, I mean interested.
“The same goes for your own speeches. Make sure they feature a lot of jokes, scores of games, and so on. And don’t be shy about your accomplishments or your role in the synagogue’s accomplishments (even if they happened before you became president). Mention them often enough, and people will believe you. As to the future, promise the sky (even heaven?)”
“As to your rival for the presidency, everybody except me has something shady in his or her past. ‘Find out about it, and use it to your advantage. Don’t be shy about hinting at some possible wrongdoing. Was he or she seen in a non-kosher restaurant? You owe it to your congregants to leak the news. And if it was you who were caught, say you went there unaware of its food regimen, or on your rival’s recommendation.”
On the positive side, “It’s always a good idea to praise kids, even if they have nothing to be praised for.
“Make a big deal out of Jewish holidays, which Obama or crooked Hillary never did. For instance, on Poor-Him, the one where people get dressed in costume — in New Orleans, the grown-ups come in Mardi Gras costumes — hold contests, with big prizes and a big entrance fee.
“In community organizations, make sure your synagogue plays the leading role. If another wants to merge, don’t offer to move from your location, unless you’re very well compensated.
“Food is a big, important subject for you Jews — and believe me, I know and respect them more than anyone, So have a lot of it, often, at the synagogue, donated of course
“Follow this advice, and you’re sure to win. But if, through some bad turn of events, such as a fake-news witch hunt, you lose, simply quit the synagogue, and tell people you want to spend more time with your family. Who can argue with that?”
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured that they are satire and nothing herein should be taken seriously.
Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are assured that they are satire and nothing herein should be taken seriously.