By Cantor Sheldon Foster Merel
ENCINITAS, California – Last July, I wrote an article, “Wanted: listeners, not interrupters” for this publication. I received several revealing responses from friends and others, each with the same opening sentence,” I am guilty of being a poor listener.”
Frankly, their confessions were not surprising, as poor listening is endemic. Even after I met with the same friends later there was little change in their behavior. No one is listening!
I thought I was whistling in the dark with my article and put it aside until I came across a New York Times article on December 17th, titled “Are You Listening?” by James Molino.
I was inspired by Molino’s article, and decided to revisit my original article. and expand upon it. For new readers, here is the opening of my 2018 article:
“You are with friends, and one person said, I just bought a new Honda. Quick as a flash someone immediately piped up, “My friend just bought a Honda.”
At another time and place someone remarked, “My sister is going to have a hip replaced.” Of course someone cut in with, “I had that surgery and it was ……”
The speaker is quashed, stopped in his/her tracks, and dam it, another interrupter interrupts the first interrupter! No one is listening! “ (End excerpt from original article)
What I had not included in my article is that several years ago I had also been among the guilty! My late wife, Marcie, patiently endured my interruptions, and often had to cut me off to finish her sentence. She was an excellent listener and the word interrupt never could be applied to her. Family and friends enjoyed being with her, knowing she actively listened and only commented when it was appropriate.
During one of our counseling sessions, she said that I carefully listened to grieving families to prepare a eulogy, but that I was a poor listener for her. To which the counselor replied, “Yes, that is his job!” Yes, I was guilty!
Job hell! Being a better listener for her was far more important than any job. There was no excuse for my insensitivity to Marcie knowing full well I was capable of listening professionally. I then turned my behavior around and made it my job to become better at listening to everyone. From that moment on, she became my role model.
I did some research, introspection, and sensitively observed the usual erratic flow of conversations. Here are some of the resources that helped in my new journey:
First, I l found that by scrambling the letters in the word, “listen,” I have the word, “silent.” Indeed, silence is the essence of active listening. As one scholar wrote, “We have two ears and one mouth, and should listen more than speak! “ I try to stay with the speaker and join in only when it is appropriate.
According to author Stephen Covey, “good questions are evidence that yon have listened, and are interested.” Superior listeners gather more information than just the speaker’s words. Research shows that people who feel listened to are more likely to engage in future interactions with you. Making eye contact with speakers is further evidence of your interest. Listening is actually an act of kindness and compassion to your family and friends.
Here is a quote from the New York Times article, Are You Listening?” by Gordon Molino that inspired me to revisit my own article: “Good listening is not a technique but is having the willingness to enter into another person’s life. Bad listeners can’t be there for someone else because they are too locked into themselves. For them, everything has to be filtered through their own experience and concerns.“ Active listening might give you new insights into the person and thoughts. .”
(The full article was in the New York Times of Decembers 17, 2019.)
On occasion, I have stopped an interrupter in his/her tracks, by saying, “Excuse me, I would like to hear more of what Joe is telling us …”
Imagine you are a fly on the wall next time you are with family and friends. Just listen and observe. It could help you be more sensitive to the crazy pattern of interruptions. It is almost like watching conversational table tennis.
Anyone can become a better listener. I hope I have, and so can you. Your family and friends will enjoy being with you more, knowing you are really interested in hearing them. Changing one’s behavior is not easy, and is always a work in progress, but well worth the effort.
P.S. Just after I thought this article was finished, I opened my New York Times and found another fine article, “Talk Less Listen More” by Kate Murphy from her book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters. I cannot close without quoting a few of her insights.
“It is only by listening that we engage, understand, empathize, cooperate and develop as human beings. It is fundamental to any successful relationship — personal, professional and political.”
Good luck in your journey to become a better listener.
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Sheldon Foster Merel is cantor emeritus of Congregation Beth Israel. He may be contacted via sheldon.merel@sdjewishworld.com