By Laurie Baron
Putin: Hello, Donald. I’ve been trying to reach you using the red phone and keep on getting Biden. So I went on Twitter, but I don’t see any of your Tweets either. Strange, since I consider you the legitimate President of the United States and I’ve heard you agree.
Trump: Vladimir, I still am, but Biden has duped the country into believing he won. What can I do for you?
Putin: I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but Biden, NATO, and Ukraine are threatening Russia with war. We must defend ourselves.
Trump: A lot of people have been telling me that, and your version accords with Tucker Carlson’s so it has to be hugely true. I don’t trust any of the reports to the contrary. After all, the intelligence agencies and false news erroneously claimed that Russia interfered in the 2020 elections, but you so convincingly denied it that I couldn’t believe it.
Putin: Could you get your military buddies like Flynn to convince their peers in the Armed Forces that they should stand down when Russia defends itself with a preemptive invasion of Ukraine?
Trump: Sure, but there has to be a quid pro quo. At least one Russian brigade should be dispatched to find the incriminating evidence of how Hunter Biden corrupted the Ukrainian government and persuaded his father to cover up the crime. I can make that perfect request now without getting impeached as long as Biden deludes himself into thinking he’s the president. I also want that brigade to search for Hillary’s server, the lost emails, and the master list of Democratic pedophiles.
Putin: You can be assured I always have your interests at heart. Didn’t I occupy Crimea and Eastern Ukraine to embarrass Obama?
Trump: You also destroyed the videotapes of me and the hookers. Something else you can do is teach me how to justify locking up political opponents and 77 % of the popular vote like you did in the 2018 presidential elections.
Putin: Arresting traitors and arming election workers wearing Putin buttons really mobilizes voters.
Trump: I’m looking forward to speaking to you on the red phone in 2025. Then we can start discussing the merger of our two countries.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.