By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Jim Jordan failed to win over enough “moderate” Republicans to vote for him in his bid to become Speaker of the House. Eavesdropping through the microphone I planted in the men’s bathroom outside the House Chamber [the toilets there are called Chamber Pots], I heard the following promises Jordan made to his MAGA supporters which I believe undermined his election:
“The first thing I’ll do as Speaker is change the name to Shouter of the House conferring on me the right to shout down people I disagree with whether they be communist Democrats or RINOs. This will legitimate what I’ve been doing already on the Judiciary, Oversight, and Weaponization of the Federal Government Committees.”
“Then I will replace the Capitol Police with recruits from the Oath Keepers and Proud Boys. If they had been in charge on 1/6, those poor tourists would not have been viciously attacked by the Capitol Police who provoked them by blocking their access to the Capitol and not even offering them refunds for the tour tickets they had purchased.”
“Once the Capitol Police have been replaced by peaceful patriotic Americans, I will order it to arrest Joe Biden and Kamala Harris for illegally occupying the White House by rigging the 2020 election with China, George Soros, and Venezuela. That will leave me, the third person in succession, to become the new President.”
“As President I will end all investigations into Trump and his associates and repay him for awarding me the Medal of Freedom by awarding him the Nobel Fleece Prize for his clever bookkeeping practices that inflated the values of his properties.”
“I will reopen all Congressional inquiries into the crimes of Hillary Clinton including restoring the email files that show how she fixed Bill up with Monica and then videotaped their trysts.
“Finally, I will end the criminalization of sexual offenses by assaulters and their enablers in positions of authority, whether they be college sport’s coaches, Hollywood producers, or politicians. On the other hand, I will enact the death penalty drag queen, homosexual, and trans violators. I will name this legislation the #metoounjustlyaccused Act.
*
Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com