By Shayna Kaufmann
SAN DIEGO — The other night, I found myself scanning my bookshelf when Byron Katie’s Who Would You Be Without Your Story? practically leapt into my hands. Not surprising. For the past many months, I’ve been revisiting an old and persistent story about my worth. And, it’s not a good one.
I sat on my couch, with the unopened book in my lap, and asked myself that question: Who would I be without this story?
The answers came quickly – happier, lighter, less stressed, more joyful, more present. I’ve tasted that freedom before, in times when the story is quiet. So why do I keep returning to it? And, how can I finally put it to rest?
These questions were foremost in my mind during a recent meditation retreat.
Over the course of three days, I sat in silence for long stretches, practicing the art of observing my thoughts without engaging them. I noticed how often my mind returned to that familiar belief: I have to achieve to be worthy. It’s a story that’s been with me since childhood, that has shaped my choices, driven my ambitions, and insidiously stolen my peace.
But in the quiet of retreat, I had enough distance and perspective to explore this belief. This is what came up for me:
- A story is simply a belief cultivated from early conditioning that we assume to be true. Curious exploration and inner fact checking are necessary but insufficient to release them.
- Feeling is healing. This doesn’t mean wallowing. It means allowing. Running away from feelings denies their existence. Wallowing is like emotional quicksand. But gently allowing feelings to flow creates space for transformation.
- Old beliefs can feel oddly comfortable. Even painful ones. Because old stories are familiar, they feel like home. But that doesn’t mean they’re true nor that we have to hold onto them. It’s akin to staying in a bad relationship.
- We can loosen the grip on our stories.The stillness of the retreat gave me perspective. I felt space open up between me and my beliefs. And in that space, compassion appeared as did a little more freedom.
Byron Katie reminds us that suffering doesn’t come from what happens in our lives, but from the stories we attach to those events and believe without question
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What outdated stories you are clinging to? Who would you be without them?
If you’re longing to step out of the busyness and explore your inner world, join me for my next Day of Embracing the Middle on June 14th. It’s not a silent retreat, but it is a sacred pause. A chance to slow down, reconnect, reflect, and be in the company of other midlife women walking this rich, complex, beautiful path.
You don’t have to figure it all out. You just have to show up, for yourself.
Wishing us all freedom from our unkind stories and bounds of self-compassion.
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Shayna Kaufmann, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, is an author, blogger, and freelance writer based in San Diego