By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — ICE agents wearing masks and tactical gear raided an Italian restaurant in San Diego and arrested 19 workers for having counterfeit green cards. San Diegans felt relieved that they can now eat safely at local restaurants without worrying that their chefs and servers are illegal immigrants poisoning their meals. Some diners, however, fear that the explosions of flashbang grenades fired at protestors shaming the agents might ruin their culinary experience.
As ICE perfects its ability to detain and deport perfidious aliens who covertly and overtly subvert the American way of life, it plans to target the San Diego Padres whose roster harbors many of these criminals. Elias Diaz, Luis Arráez, and Robert Suarez hail from Venezuela and sport tattoos implicating them as members in the Tren de Aragua gang. Diaz and Suarez are guilty of battery when they are paired as catcher and pitcher. Suarez traffics in speed. Arráez mercilessly hits pitchers making him liable to charges of assault.
Then there’s Adrian Morejón who was born in Havana and serves as a Cuban spy. He relies heavily on his sinker which endangers national security since Petco Park is close to the Navy ships in San Diego Harbor.
Fernando Tatis Jr. is a Dominican. The proximity of the Dominican Republic to Haiti should ring alarm bells among all red-blooded Americans. He eats hot dogs which according to the DHS forensic analysis contain cat and dog meat. Moreover, he is a repeat offender for stealing.
Until the United States annexes Canada, Nick Pivetta will be expelled and forced to play for the Toronto Bluejays. Martin Maldonado is Puerto Rican. Although Trump appreciates that he won a Gold Glove in 2017, he feels Puerto Rico never thanked him for personally delivering paper towels to absorb the flooding from Hurricane Maria.
Yu Darwish and Yuki Matsui will be sent back to Japan since they obviously are conspiring with their native country to plan a Pearl Harbor type attack on the North Island naval base.
ICE’s success in executing this purging of the Padres will open positions for less talented minor league players akin to what is happening to America’s scientific research centers.
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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.