Lawrence Baron

As was evident in my last column, I know all about the coronavirus.  Ever since my owners have sequestered themselves in the house, I have observed them exhibiting odd behaviors which I fear are symptoms of the illness.  Their eyes have become glazed from watching too much television.  They even listen for extended periods to what the Golden Retriever is spouting on screen, a clinically proven cause of anxiety and high blood pressure.   They previously turned the television off or switched channels whenever he appeared and spoke.  [Humor by Elona Baron as told to Lawrence Baron]

Thou shalt not covid thy neighbor’s wife or anyone else in your neighborhood. … The early bird fetches the toilet paper. … [Humor column by Lawrence Baron, Ph.D]

Other dogs in the neighborhood have been asking me what precautions they should take to avoid catching the coronavirus.  That is why I have formed the Canines Defy Coronavirus (CDC) taskforce.  Here are its first recommendations: [Hounding the headlines humor column by Elona Baron, as told to Lawrence Baron]

It was obvious by the detached and halting delivery of President Trump’s Oval Office speech that it was composed by someone else and read off the teleprompter.  Since I am close friends with the Oval Office custodian, I obtained the draft that Trump wrote, but reluctantly tossed in the trash can.  Here is the short version of it. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, Ph.D]

I always have heeded the advice to make lemonade if life gives me lemons. How can I do this in the face of the current pandemic? If I try, should I wear a surgical mask? The following fantasies help lift my spirits. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, Ph.D]

2020 is the year American canines elect a top dog.  The preliminary matches are dog fights.  Normally, the competitors aren’t so aggressive, but the humans who stage these contests prefer that they bite, growl, and scratch each other.  After all, it improves the television ratings.   St. Bernard, Amy Komodor, Elizabeth Westie, Tom Skye Terrier, Pete Boxerdoodle, Joe Bichon, and Miniature Mike are battling in the pit.  Since Elizabeth Westie goes for Mike’s jugular, the human commentators dismiss her as a bitch, but she doesn’t want anyone to forget that Mike ordered dogcatchers to pick up any mutt who seemed dangerous and joked about spaying pregnant females.  Many dogs will never forgive him for that. [Satire from Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron} 

Stop in the name of law                                                                                                                                
Before you crown him king!
Stop in the name of law
Before you crown him king!
Overrule him. 
Overrule him. 
[Satire by Laurie Baron, Ph.D]

  During the 2016 campaign, President Trump declared: “We must maintain law and order at the highest level or we will cease to have a country, 100 percent. I am the law and order candidate.”  His record of commutations and pardons suggests the enforcement of law and order is selective and only applies to poor common criminals and not white (white) collar criminals, particularly if they are cronies of the President.  [Satire by Laurie Baron]

The New York City Bar Association has asked the House and Senate Judiciary Committees to investigate Attorney General William Barr’s intervention on behalf of Roger Stone fearing that it “threatens public confidence in the fair and impartial administration of justice.”  The charges barraging Barr might lead the Association to disbar Barr.  That would bar Barr from practicing law. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, Ph.D]

Though she disapproved of Trump’s tactics in Ukraine, Susan Collins justified her vote against convicting Trump because “”she hoped that the president would’ve learned from the fact that he was impeached by the House.”  To celebrate his acquittal, she threw rice as he entered the East Room.  He quickly launched into his diatribe against his enemies because it turned out it was Minute Rice. [Satire by Laurie Baron]