Lawrence Baron

Some traitorous do-nothing Democrat made a false accusation against Donald T.  for he learned one day he was being impeached even though in his mind he had acted perfectly to get himself reelected.  Every morning his chef brought him a bucket of fried chicken for breakfast, but on this morning, a woman named Nancy sent him a kale salad with a note that ominously read: “Eat something healthy.  You’re going to need it.”  Within weeks his lawyers found themselves colluding with a turtle-faced man to shield T. from the calumnies a mixed-race prosecution team would level at him.  This reinforced T’s conviction that people who aren’t white are incapable to administering justice and need to be denied a voice in the government. [Satire by Laurie Baron]

The impeachment trial of the President Trump has taken a surprising turn.  A leak from John Bolton’s forthcoming book about his experiences as National Security Advisor reveals Trump conditioned military aid and a meeting with the president of Ukraine on the latter announcing investigations into Joe and Hunter Biden and Ukraine’s interference in the 2016 elections.  Here are some other incriminating passages it allegedly contains: [Satire by Laurie Baron]

It is a forgone expectation that the Senate will not vote to remove the Golden Deceiver from office. If only the humans of the United States would let dogs conduct an Impoochment Trial of the Golden Deceiver, the outcome would be different. [Satire by Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron]

President Trump named his defense team for his impeachment trial in the Senate.  His lawyers already have declared, “This is a brazen and unlawful attempt to overturn the results of the 2016 election and interfere with the 2020 election, now just months away.”  I wondered whether they were referring to the impeachment articles or to Russian meddling in support of Trump, but at least they know how to take dictation.  Here’s the roster of some of the most famous members of Team Trump and a preview of their arguments. [Satire by Laurie Baron, PhD]

President Trump threatened to bomb Iran’s cultural heritage sites as reprisals for its anticipated revenge attack for Qasem Soleimani’s assassination.  Iran considered strikes on Trump golf courses, resorts, and towers as an equivalent response. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, PhD]

*

In a speech Attorney General Bill Barr warned that communities which don’t respect law enforcement “might find themselves without the police protection they need.” Shortly thereafter, the FBI notified the President and him that it will no longer investigate any threats to either of them. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, PhD]

I glimpsed an off-leash German shepherd hurtling toward me.  Before I had a chance to retreat or make a submissive gesture, he tried to bite me on the neck.  Being smaller and quicker, I managed to jerk my head away from his mouth.  Based on his unprovoked attack on another breed, I assume his name was Adolf. [Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron]

I’m scheming for a white nation. 
Just like the way it used to be.                                                                                                        
No asylum seekers or border sneakers,
No more yearning to be free.   [Satire by Laurie Baron]        

Even after all the evidence presented at the House Impeachment Hearings, the American public opinion polls have not registered a significant shift in the numbers supporting impeachment and those opposed to it.  I believe this has nothing to do with the substance of the case against Trump and more to do with his ability to coin demeaning names for anyone who criticizes him.  Perhaps Michelle Obama was wrong.  Maybe we should abandon the high road and engage in name calling.  Here’s my list of suggested epithets: [Laurie Baron, PhD]

President Trump unexpectedly underwent a physical this Saturday.  Although Trump tweeted that this was a routine visit, the Fake News speculated that he had a medical emergency.  Today his diagnosis appeared on Sikileaks. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, PhD]