Humoring the headlines: April 11, 2014

By Laurie Baron

Lawrence (Laurie) Baron
Lawrence (Laurie) Baron

SAN DIEGO-The Manischewitz Company announced this week that it has been sold to Sankaty Advisors, a subsidiary of Bain Capital.  Sankaty plans to outsource the production of matzo to Third World countries with hot climates.  Following the Passover tradition, slave laborers will carry the flattened matzo dough on their backs to bake it, thereby saving the company the cost of purchasing ovens.  Another move acknowledging Manischewitz’s commitment to observing Passover entails the firing of all employees named Levin. The company is contemplating changing its name to Mittischewitz.
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Scholars from the Harvard Theological Review have authenticated an 8th Century papyrus which refers to Jesus’ wife.   They have identified her as Rochel bat Sarah from the lower east side of Bethlehem. According to the scroll, she had considered divorcing him after he disappeared into the desert for forty days and forty nights and did not write her about his whereabouts, but remained married to him because he could make a little food go a long way.
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The prosecution’s unrelenting questioning of Oscar Pistorius is hurting the former Olympic athlete’s image.  Increasing numbers of South Africans now call him the Blade Gunner.
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The United States refused to issue a visa to Iran’s new ambassador to the United Nations on the grounds that he was involved in the takeover of the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979.  The UN’s Secretary General has recommended that the United States issue the visa if he agrees to watch Argo and write a positive review of it.
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The Supreme Court is hearing Hobby Lobby’s lawsuit to exclude it from the provision of Obama Care that mandates health insurance cover the costs of contraception. The company foresees that the lack of inexpensive contraception will prompt women to encourage their boyfriends and husbands to take up a hobby.

Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com