By Laurie Baron
This is the first anniversary of my writing this column. Since I am not being inundated by fan mail, I’ve compiled a list of quips from each month of the past year to remind subscribers to the San Diego Jewish World why they read my column or ignore it.
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August 2013: Commenting on the difficulties of restarting peace talks between Israel and the Palestinian Authority, Secretary of State John Kerry reminded reporters of how bitter enemies can become friends. “After all, look how well it’s working with the Russians,” he added.
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September 2013 : As the Republican Party tries to broaden its appeal, it has developed more factions: The Defundamentalists: Republicans who oppose any bill that does not defund Obama Care. The Restrictionists: Republicans who oppose any bill that creates a pathway to citizenship. Deficit Attentionists: Republicans who oppose any bill that raises the deficit. Right to Lifers: Republicans who oppose abortion to win over the fetus vote. Right to Riflers: Republicans who oppose gun control. Isolationists: Republicans who impose gun control on the US Armed Forces. Moderates: Republicans who have lost their primary elections to Tea Party challengers.
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October 2013: One of the amendments to the federal budget is repeal of the Medical Device Excise Tax which is being used to partially fund Obama Care. Manufacturers of Defibrillators would be included even though congressional representatives are in dire need of devices to restart their hearts and stop them from fibbing.
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November 2013: Time magazine has drawn criticism for entitling its article on Chris Christie “The Elephant in the Room” and thereby drawing attention to his weight. The Editorial Board has issued a statement denying this was their intent: “We merely selected the least offensive title we had come up with. The alternatives were “The GOP’s New Heavyweight Contender,” “The Wide Appeal of Chris Christie,” and “Christie Crushes Gubernatorial Opponent.”
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December 2013: Rush Limbaugh has labeled Pope Francis a Marxist for his criticism of capitalism. According to Limbaugh’s edition of the Gospels, Jesus urged the moneychangers to stay in the Temple because they were too big to fail. He told the Apostles, “Damned are the meek, for they shall inherit the debt.” Given the opportunity to feed the hungry, Jesus cut the budget for bread and fish stamps.
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January 2014: The legalization of marijuana in Colorado has generated so much publicity that the state hopes to exploit the popularity of the program to attract new businesses. To promote this makeover of the state’s image, Governor Hickenlooper has changed his last name to Hickenlooped. Cannabis has been designated the state plant. Denver is now advertising itself as the “Higher than a mile city.” The National Jewish Health Hospital, the nation’s leading center for the treatment and study of pulmonary diseases, has commissioned a study on the beneficial effects of secondhand smoke. All of this seems to be working. Lava Lamps, White Castle, and Zig Zag have announced plans to relocate their national headquarters there, and Bill Maher will now broadcast “Real Time” from Denver.
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February 2014: College football star Michael Sam announced this week that he is gay. Sports pundits began debating whether this would hurt his prospects for being drafted by an NFL team. Some NFL insiders claimed that teams would avoid Sam because his sexual orientation would be too much of a distraction in a game where grown men pile on top of each other to penetrate the other team’s end zone. Those who laud Sam for coming out say NFL players need not worry. There are penalties for encroachment, illegal contact, illegal touching of a forward pass, illegal use of hands, and spearing,
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March 2014: Crimea’s referendum on independence from the Ukraine or admission to the Russian Federation will be held this Sunday. The Russian Federation has guaranteed the fairness of the election by stationing generically uniformed soldiers throughout the Crimea, not giving enough lead time for a campaign, and not offering an option to remain as part of the Ukraine. Pravda will provide exclusive coverage of the referendum and will issue the results an hour before the polls close.
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April 2014: Dianne Feinstein condemned the CIA for misinforming the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence by concealing the extent and severity of the torture inflicted on Islamic extremists during the Bush Administration. The CIA camouflaged its activities by using code words like enhanced interrogation for intensive terrorization, face surfing for water boarding, and free trip for extraordinary rendition.
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May 2014: Tennessee State Senator Cascey Campfield drew flak from both Democrats and Republicans for remarking that ““Democrats bragging about the number of mandatory signups for Obama Care is like Germans bragging about the number of mandatory signups for ‘train rides’ for Jews in the 40s.” Campfield appears unaware that Obama Care outlaws denial of insurance coverage for preexisting conditions; whereas Hitler Care treated being Jewish as a fatal preexisting condition.
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June 2014: A California Superior Court ruled that tenure for public school teachers is illegal because it denies students access to quality education by guaranteeing tenured teachers their positions despite their teaching records. Will federal judges recuse themselves from hearing subsequent appeals of the case because they all hold lifetime appointments?
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July 2014: 2014 is the 120th anniversary of the Dreyfus Affair. While the Jewish community in France is making plans to commemorate the event, pro-Palestinian protesters there have begun reenacting it.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.