Humoring the Headlines: November 7, 2014

An election wrapup…

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO─ John Boehner and Mitch McConnell celebrated the GOP’s control of both the House and the Senate by offering to work cooperatively with President Obama to accomplish their aims.  In this spirit of bipartisanship they changed the GOP’s campaign slogan from “Stop Obama; Fire Reid” to “Stop Ebola; Ire Free.”

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Ted Cruz triumphantly proclaimed that the “era of Obama lawlessness is over.”  As he left his press conference, his guns were seized by ATF agents, and a black helicopter landed from which FBI agents emerged to intern him at a FEMA concentration camp where millions of undocumented aliens awaited being amnestied by an Executive Order from President Obama.

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Voters in Colorado and North Dakota voted overwhelmingly to reject personhood initiatives on their states’ ballots.  Ova and sperm across the country immediately filed a class action lawsuit to overturn this result charging that it violated their freedom of association.

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Tea Party darling and farmer Joni Ernst won her senatorial election in Iowa.  She intends to come to Congress and castrate pork barrel spending.

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To sum up the Republican sweep in Darwinian terms, the elephants reverted back to mammoths trampling Democrats who acted like asses when they distanced themselves from the alpha male of their party.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com .  San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.