Seven states of loss and healing , Part 5

By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.

Natasha Josefowitz
Natasha Josefowitz

LA JOLLA, Califorinia — This is part five of a five-part series, The Seven States of Loss and Healing. The poems are excerpted from my book, Living Without the One You Cannot Live Without: Hope and Healing after Loss.

Post-Grief

Missing Him Again

He has been gone
for several years
and I’m OK
he does not live
in my head anymore
he lives in my heart
and yet sometimes
unexpectedly
I feel I am back
to just after
he died
I’m missing him
I’m hurting
I feel disoriented
desperately wishing him back
I remember
all that I have lost
that I will never have again
it has been years since he died
but it feels like yesterday

*

For years after the death of a spouse, you may regress into earlier emotional states. A song, a scent, or a photo triggers an instant of sharp pain, and this may impact your mood for a few hours or days. Anniversaries and holidays can exact an additional toll—others in a celebratory mood make the widow or widower even more aware of the loss, pain, and separation. If it comes on suddenly and gets resolved, it is a normal occurrence. On the other hand, if after seeming to have come to terms with being alone, there is a long period of renewed pain and of feeling alienated in a world of non-grieving people, it is called “complicated grief,” and the help of a professional may be needed if it continues unabated.

Conclusions

Something Has Changed

Something has changed
I used to dread
coming home in the evening
to silent, empty rooms
feeling so terribly alone
tonight for the first time
I looked forward to
some quiet time
in my quiet home
after a busy day
sitting down to read my mail
checking my computer
sitting down with a book
sitting alone
without feeling lonely
something has changed

*

Grieving can be long or short. The emotional states I described are not immutable: some may never be experienced; others may exist that I have not encountered. They may not be sequential and may be repeated. I often felt like I took two steps forward and one step back, but grief does soften over time.

The important thing to remember is that it is normal to feel abnormal. In other words, when you feel a bit crazy, it is good to know that it is a prevalent experience and a typical part of grieving; it too shall pass. Life is made up of steppingstones, no matter how awful it feels at the moment, there is a step waiting for us to place one foot on, perhaps gingerly. Add the second foot, and there you are, standing solidly on a new step that is waiting to be explored and to be lived.

If after two or three years grief has not diminished, it may be impacting the quality of life of the grieving person. Lack of resiliency may be an indication of other underlying problems. Being unable to get better or refusing to move on may have unconscious secondary benefits such as remaining dependent on family members or caretakers and not taking on normal responsibilities. Help from a healthcare professional would then be indicated.

*

Healing

When one is in the middle
of pain
it is impossible to envisage
a time without it
yet that time comes
unexpectedly
surprising me
by its suddenness
from an agonizingly
slow healing
to a world of brighter colors
to a lighter step
to being whole again
there is an old saying that
when someone you love dies,
the main difference is
that he is no longer
outside of you,
he is inside
I have incorporated him
I am poorer for the lack
of his physical presence
but I have become richer
by his continuing to exist
in me

 

Copyright © 2014. Natasha Josefowitz.  The author may be contacted via natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com