Sex abuse victim offers advice to parents

By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.

Dr. Michael Mantell
Dr. Michael Mantell

SAN DIEGO — Child sex abuse in an Orthodox Jewish community, indeed in any community, is not an easy topic to discuss. It isn’t an easy topic to write about either, especially in a Jewish publication.

But when Judy Bloom Friedel called and asked if I would moderate a panel discussion on this topic for the recent JCC Film Festival based on the film, Code of Silence, I said I would. Ever try to turn down Judy?

Serving on the panel with me on two evenings of packed audiences, were Donald Harrison of this publication, Rabbi Moishe Leider of the Chabad Center of University City and Oded R. Shefizi, Psy.D, RPT-S, Psychologist of the Jewish Family Service.

The film tracks the strained and stressed emotional journeys of Manny Waks of Melbourne, Australia, and his observant Orthodox family, following the claim that Manny was sexually abused as a school student at the Yeshivah Centre in Melbourne. In fact, three children of the Waks’ family were victims.

This is not a review of the film, which left the JCC audiences speechless immediately following it’s showings, nor is it my intent to tell the story of the Waks family’s tragic excommunication for breaking an ancient rabbinic Jewish law, “mesirah,” that forbade Jews from informing secular authorities about the gross misdeed of other Jews. The energetic and passion-filled audience discussion with our panel covered every reaction you can imagine.

What it didn’t cover though, was what I wanted to talk about with Manny Waks. Due to Manny’s graciousness, commitment and devotion to seeing that all Jewish communities are free of child sexual abuse and its associated harmful behaviors through the organization he founded in 2012, Tzedek,  he kindly offered his time to chat with me. Manny’s organization is a support and advocacy group for Jewish victims/survivors of child sexual abuse.

While I was interested in the impact that being sexually abused by his teachers at the Yeshiva as a child had on Manny’s marriage and his own children, Manny noted that he preferred to keep his family, especially his children, out of the public domain.

I asked Manny about the measures he believes are necessary in our Jewish Day Schools that would make him comfortable enough to send his own children.

Manny stated, “The absolute minimum would be adequate policies and procedures in place specifically relating to the issue of child protection in the context of child sexual abuse. It would also be essential that the culture at the school is an appropriate one.”

He gave this example, “ For example, students, parents and staff need to be encouraged to disclose any allegations of child sexual abuse (or cover-ups) – they must be fully supported when doing so (and they must know that this will indeed be the case).”

Regarding training, Manny added, “There also needs to be ongoing training and professional development opportunities for students, parents and staff. Too often institutions have seemingly excellent policies and procedures in place but the staff may not be well versed in these or worse, it is there simply for public consumption rather than for genuine intent to address this issue properly.”

He cautioned parents today, “It’s important that parents don’t just rely on the reputation of a school. They need to check for themselves beginning with ensuring that the school has a dedicated and appropriate child protection policy in place, which covers the safety of students in all the activities and services that the school provides.”

I asked Waks about what he advises parents today, like him, who are raising children, sending them off to schools, camps, overnights with friends and other such environments given the climate of concern we have for the safety and wellbeing of our children and grandchildren.

He noted, “Parents play an important role in ensuring that their children are safe – whether their children are with them or under the care of others. Parents need to be proactive in addressing the issue of child sexual abuse by empowering themselves as well as their children.”

When I asked for examples, he added, “For example, parents must:

  1. Take steps to mitigate risks such as by asking questions before leaving their children in the care of others (babysitters, friends, schools, camps, extra-curricular activities etc.) and checking the culture, child protection policies and processes of the institutions in which they entrust the welfare of their children (e.g. is everyone being encouraged to report disclosures or suspicions of abuse, what the reporting process is, interactions between staff/volunteers and students).
  1. Endeavour to have an open and honest relationship with their children. They must discuss the issue of child sexual abuse with them in an age-appropriate manner. There are plenty of training options available – workshops, programs on the internet. Ideally, children need to feel comfortable sharing everything with their parents. For example, “Uncle Sam has been taking me every week for pizza and he asked me not to tell you” or “Mr Jones has been asking me to stay back after class because he said he wants to help me”. While these instances may simply be an irresponsible family member or a genuinely concerned teacher, it may be the start of the grooming process for possible sexual abuse some time in the future. They may be testing the waters (e.g. will this child keep our secret?). If the child feels comfortable with their parents, and if the parents have an open communication with their child, they will come to learn of these developments early on, which they may wish to address in an appropriate manner. In all likelihood perpetrators will look for another victim if they feel proceeding with this child is too risky for them. So I’d encourage parents to ensure they share with those around them that they discuss these issues with their children – this is a basic preventative measure as those with ill-intentions will (sadly) look for another target. Often, simply by raising the fact that you’ve discussed these issues with your children is a deterrent for a paedophile – they’ll look for an easier target. So tell your family, friends, babysitters, staff at their schools, staff/volunteers at their extra-curricular activities and anyone else you can think of that you have ongoing discussions with your children about body safety and appropriate interactions. If you’re uncomfortable or uncertain how to go about this, research this. There are appropriate ways to go about it. And ultimately, if you’re still uncomfortable, remind yourself that a moment of discomfort may save your child from a lifetime of pain and suffering.
  1. Learn how to recognize signs of abuse and become well-equipped to respond to a disclosure of abuse. How many of us can genuinely say that we’d know how to react if our child disclosed this to us? Would we remain calm? Would we know what to tell our child? The reality is that most victims will not disclose the abuse they endured. However, many will often send signals because they’re unsure how the parent will react or because of the shame, guilt or other reasons often associated with non-disclosure of this type of abuse. It’s our role as parents to make our children feel safe to share this information with us, and to react appropriately when this occurs.

He summarized by saying, “Ultimately it’s our role as parents to empower ourselves and our children. No doubt the school and other institutions have an important role to play in all of this (especially when the abuse is being perpetrated by a parent). But it’s our role as parents to ensure that the school, camps and any other institution we send our children to have appropriate policies and procedures in place, that the culture there is appropriate, and that they take this issue seriously. We as parents need to take responsibility and be proactive about this issue. And education is the key to all of this – we must educate ourselves, our children and others, including, if necessary, those we entrust with the safety and welfare of our children.

I asked Manny how his experiences being sexually abused in his childhood affected the way he raised his children. He shared this with me.

“Soon after I disclosed my story publicly  (8 July 2011), my children started hearing that I was in the media and in other forums discussing this issue (our children are still very young). So we shared with them – in an age-appropriate manner – that I was sexually abused as a child, and that I’m a public advocate in this area. Ultimately we took that opportunity to discuss with them the issue of child sexual abuse and incorporate it as part of our body safety conversations. For example, we’ve said things like: ‘Daddy didn’t know who to tell when someone touched him in his private parts but you know that you can come to us about anything and we’ll believe you and support you no matter what.’”

Manny Waks demonstrated his sensitivity in healthy child-rearing by noting that he and his wife, “Try to maintain a sense of balance. Thankfully I’m married to an incredible person whose mothering skills seem to be innate. This makes my job a lot easier. We do what feels right to us and our children. Indeed, we treat our children as individuals with their own needs and personalities – what works with one child may not necessarily work with another child. It’s important to us not to frighten them about all the bad things that exist in the world. So we empower them by a range of means. We read age-appropriate books with them. We maintain an open and honest dialogue with them – for example, each day we ask them about their day – the good, the bad and anything else they wish to share.”

Waks told me he feels fortunate that he and his wife, “struck a fine and important balance. This is evident through the close and open relationship we have with our children.”

What came out in the film was that Manny decided to turn away from observant Orthodox Jewish practices. I asked him about his decision.

He was open about this.

“I wouldn’t necessarily call it a choice nor can I pinpoint a precise time this occurred. The first time I was sexually abused happened when I was around 11 years old. It took place inside the Chabad-run Yeshivah Centre Synagogue in Melbourne during the first night of Shavuot, when it’s customary for Orthodox males to remain awake all night to study religious texts and the like. My abuser, Velvel (Zev) Serebryanski, was the son of one of the most senior and respected Chabad officials in Australia. He also used to read the Torah every Shabbat at the synagogue we both attended. My second abuser, David Cyprys, who’s currently in the middle of serving an eight year jail term for sexually abusing me and eight other children, abused me in several locations – the most memorable one was inside a male Mikveh (ritual bath) where I blacked out briefly during the abuse, which caused him to stop.”

Manny continued to share that he “suspected the fact that his abusers were both ultra-Orthodox (Chabad) and the locations of my abuse – a synagogue and a Mikveh – has impacted on my lifestyle choice and my (subconscious) decision to become secular. Moreover, the fact that some at the Yeshivah Centre covered up the abuse and/or ignored it didn’t help.”

Interestingly, Manny noted that, “Just prior to my Bar-Mitzvah (and subsequently) I showed a clear disinterest in religious practice. As a Chabad member, where every aspect of my life was dictated by religion, it was a very challenging time in my life. My world came crashing down. I remember forcing myself to desecrate Shabbat – I recall forcing myself to turn the lights on and off (despite the fear that was instilled in me, as I was taught that the punishment for desecrating Shabbat is the death penalty). I also remember forcing myself to eat non-Kosher (prior to that I forced myself to eat non-Cholov Yisrael items) – I vividly recall forcing myself to eat a non-Kosher schnitzel sandwich, which disgusted me simply because I had grown up to believe that it was “treif”. But I felt compelled to go through with these “sins” – evidently at that point I felt repulsed by what I understood to be my religion and its practices.”

He clearly identified that “the abuse caused me to rebel against my religion. However, I did remain within the Chabad community until the age of 18. This was probably mainly due to a lack of options, especially due to my very limited secular education at the time. But as soon as I could leave, I left. It was to Israel to fight in the Israel Defense Forces.”

Finally, I asked Manny Waks this question, “Manny, if you had 30 seconds to share a message with the world, what would it be?”  His answer says it all and reveals his continued Jewish connection.

He said, “Tzedek, Tzedek Tirdof” – ‘Justice you shall pursue’  It seems to me that the greatest impact this has had on me is my quest for justice; for children, against racism and antisemitism, and in other areas as well. I seem to feel an overwhelming need to stand up to injustices, and not to turn a blind eye.

“My concluding message is really for everyone to stand up to injustices wherever this may occur. In the context of child sexual abuse, if you are aware of past or current abuse or cover-ups, take action. And of course an important element of pursuing this justice is our responsibility as parents to do what’s right and just for our children – not just after the fact, once it’s too late in many ways, but also in mitigating risks and preventing their abuse in the first case.”

Manny Waks, a victim who comes to teach us all how to be victors.

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Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, provides coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and significance in their professional and personal lives. Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com

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