Categorized | Cohen_Joel_H., Lighter Side

‘Just kidding’: Trump’s Rosh Hashanah message

By Joel H. Cohen

Joel H. Cohen

NEW YORK — President Trump salutes the Jewish people and threatens “sackcloth and ashes” for any person or group that does harm to a Jewish individual or people. These themes emerged in the just-leaked first draft of the president’s prepared Rosh Hashanah message to Jews everywhere.

He dedicates his remarks “to my many Jewish friends all over the world,” adding, “believe me, I have an amazing number of Jewish friends. Amazing. I kid you not. I have more Jewish friends than any other President in the history of the United States, not that you’d know it from the fake news media or crooked polls.

“The Jews turned out in droves at my inauguration. They love me and everything I do, and they’ll love me even more when I deliver the millions of jobs I promised. Okay?”

Noting his special personal attachment to the Jewish people, the president said, “I have a daughter who’s Jewish, a son-in-law and grandchildren who are Jewish…and so are many, many, many of my lawyers and advisers.”

“A very great people,” he noted, “although there are some exceptions — weak hypocrite Schumer, for instance, and phony con artist Blumenthal, Frankly, those two may not even be Jewish. Anyone know what religion their mothers were? Anyone seen the men’s circumcision certificates or other proof? I don’t think so. Maybe they’re Jewish, maybe they’re not. I like to have the facts before I make any comment.

“But on the whole, I must tell you, Jews are a truly remarkable people, excellent deal makers, and anybody who messes with them will have to deal with me. Trust me, that wouldn’t be a picnic. There’d be more sackcloth and ashes, more fire and brimstone, more fire and fury than the world has ever seen. A total disaster.

“Not that the Jews can’t look out for themselves. The Maccabees, for instance, my kind of people, I can tell you..

“As for ourselves, we always stay locked and loaded. Nobody loves a peaceful solution more than President Trump. But, because we could get a bad solution, we’re ready, locked and loaded.”

“But this is message of peace and love. So, happy Rosh Hashanah. (I almost made that ‘Rosh Limbaugh.’ Which wouldn’t be so bad. I kid you not. He’s an incredible person. Very incredible).”

Digressing into the history of the Jewish people, the president commented that Moses was a great leader (“though not as great as some I could name”), but not much of a deal maker. “He should have made a deal with some of the hostile peoples who stood in the way of the Israelites. Either make a deal or let them know they’d be facing fury and fire, the likes of which they’d never seen before. Good deals would have cut down the 40 years of wandering tremendously – brought in these very desirable immigrants way ahead of schedule. And saved a lot of travel expenses.”

“But back to my Rosh Hashanah message. (Did Obama ever send out Jewish new year’s greetings? Or Hillary? I doubt it.”)

“My message is this: I wish all the Jews in my family, in my team of lawyers and advisers, and throughout the world a happy 5000th or whatever. Shalom and love, and keep doing whatever you’ve been doing, to 120 (which Jared tells me is a Jewish good-luck wish).

“Happy New Year..”

San Diego Jewish World reminds readers who are new to this column that it is all in fun, and nothing above should be taken seriously.  Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York.

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