NEW YORK — Daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared’s bedtime reading of the Bible to President Trump has inspired him to think great thoughts (“the only kind I have,” he says).
Most recently, he was especially impressed with the account of young David slaying Goliath with a slingshot. “If there had been a National Slingshot Association back then,” the president speculated aloud and in a tweet, “the Hebrews would have enjoyed a much better, greater, probably spectacular, life.”
But, he continued, “There probably were enough bleeding hearts in the population who vocalized socialist sentiments about keeping weapons out of the hands of true patriots. And so, except for young David, only the bad guys were able to get those weapons.”
Trump speculated further:, “It would not surprise me — and I never get surprised, certainly not the way Obama and crooked Hillary always did — but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were enough left-leaning weirdos back then to also prevent the sale of certain-size ammo, I mean rocks, for the slings.
“If the good people could have bought slings and any-caliber rocks, without any worthless background checks or other restrictions, it would have been a whole different history for the Hebrews.”
He suggested that if there had been a Jewish constitution in those years, one of the early amendments — if not the very first one –would have ensured the right to own and use a slingshot.
“And we should all keep in mind that, when it comes to senseless crimes, it’s not slingshots that kill people, it’s people who kill people.”
On the subject of the evil victim of David’s shot, he said: “I won’t lie to you, Goliath was a nasty villain, almost nine feet tall, from the Phyllis Steins, the ISIS of their day. He kept daring the Jews to send somebody to fight him. Then, when the little kid, David, called his bluff, he hardly knew what hit him. My kind of kid — if somebody threatens you, whack him with everything you’ve got.
“If all the Hebrews had been allowed to have slingshots, the Phyllis Steins would have been off their backs forever, in no time.”
Another lesson drawn by Trump from the David vs.Goliath account involved the apparent cowardice, or at least the reluctance, of King Saul to combat the evil giant threatening his people.
“A nation must have a very strong leader, someone who, even under the most terrifying situations, makes the tough decisions and sticks with them — at least until he changes his mind.”
Trump cited his own leadership examples, in dealing with North Korea, with Turkey, and with China, among others.
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And returning to the subject of slingshots, he said he was planning to have “trusted cabinet members” look into organizing a national SS (slingshot) organization, for kids, “better than the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. There will be merit badges for sharpshooting at different distances, and for other marksmanship accomplishments. I promise you, it will be sensational.
“The kids will have outstanding uniforms, paid for by one of my incredible charities, and be trained by experts, which means hundreds, make that thousands, of new jobs added to my great economy.
“I can imagine seeing scores of true-American SS kids, armed with slingshots, guarding our southern border. I can’t wait.”
Doubt that any of us can.
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” column are assured that they are satire, and nothing therein should be taken seriously.
You are the bright morning star in my night with your wicked humor! I returned last evening from a great event in Wichita at Congregation Emanu-el. It is the oldest congregation in Kansas. Sunday was their annual New York Deli Day. Need I explain anything further about the great time and the great food! I felt a bit of sadness that my “new found” Jewish experience had ended and I was back to the humdrum of small town Kansas Jewish indifference. Again, you are the bright morning star!