NEW YORK — The patient entering the office of renowned psychiatrist Dr. Emmet Ghenausen was supposed to be anonymous, but his orange hair and gruff demeanor was a dead giveaway.
Still, they agreed to refer to the patient by a pseudonym, in case their session was being secretly recorded.
“So, Mr. Rump,” the therapist began. “What brings you here?”
“I’m the most popular world leader in history,” the patient began, “Certainly way more popular than Obama or crooked Hillary, and yet, no matter what remarkable thing I do or say, there are people who don’t love me; some even hate me.”
“I understand,” Dr, Ghenausen said. “Please continue.”.
“The Jews are a particular disappointment. That’s why I’ve come to you. You’re Jewish, aren’t you?”
The therapist nodded. “Go on, Mr. Grump,” he urged.
“Some of my best friends are Jews. Staff members, too. Stevie Miller, that remarkable Roy Cohn-like kid, for instance. Steve Mnuchin, too, and Jay Sekulow is or was Jewish. And Alan Dershowitz. what an incredible lawyer! He said the president can do anything he believes is in the public interest. Between you and me, I wish there was a Supreme Court vacancy right now. He’d be perfect.”:
“So Jews are among my best supporters, but on the other side, there’s sleepy Adam Schiff, sleazy Jerry Nadler, spooky Chuck Schumer. And the list goes on. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that nutty Nancy Pelosi was Jewish.
“So many Jews are against me, even though I have a daughter — isn’t she something? – -a daughter who converted to Judaism, and her husband, who already was, and their kids, my grandchildren. And what about my moving our embassy to Jerusalem?. For that alone, they should honor me, even worship me. But they forget so soon.”
The psychiatrist’s response: “Go on, Mr. Chump,”
“I treat everyone the same – Jews, Christians, that other group, and even atheists. I’m a man of faith. But as I’ve said before, I don’t like people using their faith as a cover for making bad, evil decisions. I treat everyone equally. And yet the weasels turn on me.'”
“I understand,” the psychiatrist whispered, as the patient continued:
“I don’t care what ethnic group someone is from, if, say, they donate a million dollars to my re-election campaign. I’ll still make him – or her – an ambassador.”
“Let me interject a thought, Mr. Shlump,” said Dr. Ghenausen, known for his candid, take-no-prisoners advice. “A recent event that many people found disagreeable on your part was your removal of Gordon Sondland, your ambassador to the European Union, because he testified to the House committee that recommended your impeachment. I know the President can appoint and remove anyone for whatever reason, but…
‘But his testimony was very, very disloyal to me. You might call him a traitor.”
“At the same time.”Dr. Ghenausen said, “there was your removal of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, a U.S. Army combat veteran, and wounded at that.”
“I prefer veterans who aren’t wounded.”
“And that action,” said the therapist,” followed the sudden, high-tension removal of much respected Ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.”
“She was trouble wherever she went.”
“But,” the psychiatrist commented, “that’s all part of a dark pattern emanating from you and your administration –vengeance, inability to take the slightest criticism, even a difference of opinion.You give opponents so much ammunition to dislike you.
“For instance, violating the law by forcing Ukraine to at least say they were investigating the Bidens, while you held up vital military aid that Congress had approved, and scores of Ukranians, our allies, died at the hands of Russian invaders while awaiting that aid.”
“But no Americans,” the patient commented. “And, no matter what witch-hunters said, I did win the last presidential election, even though some hoaxers said crooked Hilary won the rigged tally of popular votes. And I just made a great State of the Union address —not probably, certainly, the best ever….but only half the audience applauded and stood up during the many, many best parts.And that sicko, Pelosi, imagine the nerve –tore up my masterpiece.”
“”Nevertheless,” said Dr. Ghenausen, “you’ve got to overcome your need for vengeful behavior. and whole pattern of bad vibes coming from your office. You even separated children from their parents and put the kids in cages.”
“They loved that,” the patient said.
The point is,” the therapist countered,” that you’ve got to give love to get it.You have to like to be liked. not always easy, but necessary. So be kinder in your judgments, stop lying and bragging and putting people down for their opinions, and no more disparaging nicknames for anyone who crosses you. Also, you’ve got a reputation for welching on deals by pretending to find faulty workmanship and so forth, so agreed-to fees have to be renegotiated, always in your favor.”.
“Glad you mentined that,” the patient said. “You really didn’t solve my problem that I came to you for, so you’re not entitled to your exorbitant fee. Rudy will be in to talk to your office manager and re-negotiate.”
“I should have listened to my mother and become a librarian,” Dr. Ghenausen muttered to himself as ‘Mr. Chump’ left the office.
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s ‘Just Kidding’ columns are assured they are satire and should not be taken seriously.
Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s ‘Just Kidding’ columns are assured they are satire and should not be taken seriously.