SAN DIEGO — When I retired from teaching at San Diego State University in 2012, Don Harrison asked me to write a weekly column. I agreed to occasionally review Jewish- themed films in a column titled “The Wandering Review.” A year later I offered to write a weekly political satire column called “Humoring the Headlines.” Familiar with “The Wandering Review,” Don thought I said that I was willing to write a column weakly. Nevertheless Don approved and all three of the fans of “The Wandering Review” were disappointed that it would appear less frequently.
This August marks the seventh year of “Humoring the Headlines. Looking back at those early efforts as I pen this 500th column, I realize the how much less sinister the world of politics seemed then. I’m reprinting selections from the first month of columns including two where I mention Donald Trump. Ah for the good old days, when my jokes were about political perverts rather than the perversion of politics.
As should be apparent, I could not imagine at that time that Trump would ever be elected president of the United States. Unfortunately, the Electoral College enrolled the nation in Trump University in 2016 even though it already knew this illiberal education was a fraud that would confer a BS degree on all those who stuck with him as their mentor.
Ever since my column has shifted from its original format of five short topical quips about a variety of topics to caricaturing (as if that were necessary) this tragic chapter in American history. From the perspective of a satirist, Donald Trump is the gift that keeps giving. If he were Pinocchio, his nose would be the size of a sequoia. The only good things to have come out of this experience are that I have expanded my readership to five people, and, Don Harrison has doubled my salary annually. Until January I’m just Biden time.
Humoring the Headlines: August 2013
By Laurie Baron
The Attorney General of New York has filed a 40 million dollar lawsuit against Donald Trump University for promoting itself as a real university. An inquiry into the Pass/Fail grading system revealed that P stood for profit maker and F for fired. The Attorney General has questioned whether Gary Busey was qualified to serve as the university’s admissions officer. Speaking to reporters, Busey wondered, “How smart do you have to be to check if someone’s birth certificate was issued in the United States?” The Attorney General is also conducting a related investigation into the Donald Trump School of Hairstyling.
In a poll of likely Republican primary voters in Louisiana, 29 percent blamed President Obama for the poor federal response to Hurricane Katrina; whereas 28 % blamed Bush even though Bush was the president back in 2005 and Obama was only a senator. As Winston Churchill once said, “The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.”
What would happen if Martin Luther King’s 1963 March on Washington were held in North Carolina today? About the one-hundred thousand marchers would get detained for wearing hoodies. Another 100,000 would not be permitted to attend for failing to show government issued photo IDs. University students will be advised to watch the event on television in their hometowns. Women will have to undergo trans-vaginal ultrasounds. Those that are pregnant will be barred from the demonstration since witnessing it might harm their fetuses.
As part of his ongoing therapy, Bob Filner is required to watch Mississippi Burning every time he compares the recall campaign against him to a lynch mob. His final jab at the press was “now you won’t have Bob Filner to lick around.”
Anthony Wiener is reportedly considering withdrawing from the New York’s mayoral race. He has been negotiating with Oskar Mayer to become the chauffeur of their trademark vehicle. He’s also changing his name to Felix Frankfurter
Rand Paul cut the ribbon to open the new Ayn Rand Theme Park. It has attractions like the Rollercoaster of Capitalism, a Fountainhead Lego building site for children supervised by Donald Trump, and the Atlas Weightlifting Challenge.
In the wake of the averted school shooting in Atlanta by a man wielding an AK-47, the NRA has decided to expand its call to arm teachers to students. Under its “No Child Left Unarmed” initiative, all students would be issued 9 mm handguns and trained to be marksmen. The written part of the class would require students to compose and send letters to their respective members of Congress explaining why gun control is a silly idea. To assure students use their weapons responsibly, a new PTA (Parental Tactical Assistance) organization would be formed.
After enacting its ban on the promotion of homosexuality, Russia is defying demands to change its policy or face a boycott of the upcoming Winter Olympics there. Putin has dug his heels in and renamed St. Petersburg St. Burg because the mere mention of peters is too homosexually suggestive. Similarly, he has forbidden the playing of any songs by Barbra Streisand, Cher, and the Village People as background for figure-skating routines. Due to poor translation, Putin thinks a boycott means the host country has to provide a boy on a cot in the dorm rooms of male athletes.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.
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May you extend this column to at least number 613 – that would be a real mitzvah!