S.T.O.P. (Suppress the Opinionated Progressives)
SAN DIEGO — Donald Trump has declared, “The only way we’re going to lose this election is if the election is rigged,” Given that he is infallible, Trump has stepped up efforts to thwart this rigging by creating a taskforce called STOP which is designed to prevent progressives from casting their ballots. Though my connections within the deep state, I have obtained STOP’s plan for achieving its aim in the remaining days before the election.
1) To avoid the accusation of voter intimidation by armed Trump poll watchers, the Department of Homeland Security must invoke eminent domain laws to federalize perimeter strips of land more than 100 feet from polling places in blue precincts and plant landmines on them under the assumption that electing Biden will jeopardize national security.
2) Bill Barr must act on his prior designation of large cities with Democratic mayors as anarchy jurisdictions and occupy all polling places within them with unidentified uniformed federal police arresting anyone but people wearing MAGA hats for attempting to overthrow the current administration.
3) Due to budget deficits, Louis DeJoy must furlough all postal carriers and workers for the next two weeks and dismantle machines that would postmark letters and ballots during this period.
4) To show that Covid-19 is not as contagious and lethal as the lame stream media claims, polling places in congressional districts represented by Democrats will be relocated to hospitals in intensive care units treating patients afflicted with the disease.
5) Install paper shredders on the inside of the opening slots of USPS mailboxes and ballot drop boxes.
6) Deploy forensic handwriting experts to facilities where mail-in ballots are tabulated and direct them to disqualify ballots where the signatures deviate more than the thinness of Trump’s skin from voter signatures on file.
7) Appoint Jared Kushner the National Election Commissioner and issue an executive order empowering him to declare the election null and void if the results will cost him his current job.
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.
Unfortunately, one of their ideas might well happen. I voted early. Yay