OLDSMAR, Florida — Following his granting of clemency to murderers and other felons, aides and allies, President Donald Trump has turned his attention to pardoning athletes and others whose transgressions rocked the sports world.
“I’m the greatest sportsman in the world and I believe these people’s reputations have been unfairly sullied by fake news,” Trump said. “I know, better than anyone, that winning is the only thing that matters and these individuals exemplify that.”
Baseball, he said, has been maligned more than most sports. “It’s our American pastime. That’s what I call it. And great players like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez have been treated so badly after all they’ve done.”
Trump also pardoned the 1919 Chicago White Sox and 2017 Houston Astros. Also Danny Almonte, who lied about his age when he pitched for his Bronx team in the 2001 Little League World Series. “Hey, he was just a kid and kids do stupid things,” Trump said. “I mean, take Eric …”
He also pardoned New England Patriots tight end-turned-convicted killer Aaron Hernandez, who committed suicide in prison, and former Carolina Panthers wide receiver Rae Carruth, who spent nearly 19 years for conspiring to kill his pregnant girlfriend.
Also receiving pardons were the late Rosie Ruiz, who cheated her way to wins in the New York City and Boston marathons; cyclists Lance Armstrong and Floyd Landis, who won Tour de France races with the help of performance-enhancing drugs; and Marion Jones, who took steroids before winning five track and field medals at the 2000 Sydney Olympics. “Who’s to say they wouldn’t have won anyway?” the president opined. “Those victories were stolen from them.”
Trump also said that following a brief telephone conversation with Russian President Vladimir Putin, “I’ve decided to pardon all Russian athletes” banned from next year’s Tokyo Olympics and demand their reinstatement because “he said he would like me to do him a favor.”
*
Reprinted with permission from thelowittlowdown.com Bruce Lowitt, 78, a mostly retired Associated Press sports writer and columnist, author of The Game Isn’t Everything, longtime contributor to San Diego Jewish World and winner of the “Putziler Prize,” is a native of Brooklyn now living on he West Coast of Florida. The column above is satire and should not be taken literally.
I find that this is an altogether “can’t miss” for readers of Dystopian literature.
Good work, Bruce, and let’s see more of these.