Satire: Marriage Equality Unfair to Godly Straight People

By Eric George Tauber

Eric George Tauber

CINCINNATI, Ohio — By now, you have likely seen the viral video of outgoing Congressmember Vicky Hartzler (R-Missouri) voicing her impassioned opposition to the Respect for Marriage Act. Here are her own words:

“This is the Democrats’ priority. Well, Mr. Speaker, I’ll tell you my priority: protect religious liberty. Protect people of faith and protect Americans who believe in the true meaning of marriage.”

It should be noted that the Respect for Marriage Act garnered some Republican support by including language that does not force any chaplain to perform weddings that go against their beliefs. In other words, you can’t force a Christian preacher to marry a same-sex couple any more than you can compel an orthodox rabbi to officiate an interfaith wedding. Moreover, houses of worship are under no obligation to provide services for ceremonies they do not agree with. Therefore, conservative religious groups are in no danger as this law explicitly protects them. If anyone needs protecting, it’s those altar boys with benefits from their parish priests. But I digress.

Hartzler went on, getting pretty ferklempt as she spoke:

“I hope and pray that my colleagues will find the courage to join me in opposing this misguided, and this dangerous bill.”

How is it “dangerous”? What exactly is the threat to straight people?

Of course it’s dangerous! Our society can’t offer same-sex “marriages” equal protection under the Law. That would be totally unfair to all of the traditional, God-fearing, straight couples out there. We all know the drill. Married couples vow to love and honor each other, forsaking all others, ‘til death do them part. This is a sacred compact. If same-sex couples can be joined in matrimony, they will receive the same recognition that millionaires have with their third trophy wives.

If a lesbian couple can get married, buy a house and raise a son who consistently makes honor roll, then they will be unfairly awarded the same rights and protections as young straight couples who tied the knot at a drive-thru window of a Vegas wedding chapel.

If two gay men with good jobs and a nice home can foster and adopt children, providing them with the only safe, stable and supportive environment that they’ve ever known, then these children, who were abandoned by—or removed from—their drug-addled, but still heterosexual parents, will grow up with the misguided idea that such families are “normal.”

Such “equality” will DESTROY THE AMERICAN FAMILY… somehow.

Okay. They never actually explain that assertion, but they always make it with great fervor. So, I guess we should just take them at their word, maybe?

Or maybe all of their arguments add up to no more than bubkes and bigotry.

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Now living in San Diego, Eric George Tauber was a San Diego based freelance writer specializing in coverage of the arts.  He may be contacted via eric.tauber@sdjewishworld.com 

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